Wednesday, August 10, 2011

20 Years Later

My 20-year high school reunion is this weekend which means I totally am going to have to shave my legs. Which sucks because, let's face it, the dark growth makes my legs appear tan from a distance.

I'm totally not caring that I look like I'm carrying around a 6-month old fetus. There's spanx for that.

I'm also not worrying about Big V running into any of my old knocking boots buddies because (1) I was a lady, people, and (2) I always made sure to hook up with people from other school districts in an effort to avoid the awkward 20-years later convo held over the tray of imported cheeses with our respective spouses picking up on the tension.

I am, however, incredibly nervous about two potentially embarrassing situations that would just about kill me:

(a.) Walking around the entire time with food stuck in my teeth and/or a booger coming out of my nose and not one person telling me. Once I sat around at work and laughed and chit-chatted for an entire afternoon before I went to the bathroom and saw I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth. I didn't feel cool at all.

(b) Laughing and/or sneezing so hard that I pee. And innocent bystanders realizing that I just peed. Not that I plan on wetting myself, nor has it ever happened before (at least not out in public) but there's bound to be a first time and dear Lord, please don't let that first time be at my 20-year high school reunion.

My most embarrassing moment during high school happened at a gas station. That was back in the day before pay-at-the-pump action. Super hunky kid was fueling up his car next to me and I was so uber-excited because he glanced over in my general direction and nodded at me - which totally meant he was going to ask me out and the next morning we'd be walking hand in hand down the main hall at school, I could just tell.

And then we walked into the gas station to pay and he let me go in front of him! He was totally checking out my ass while we waited. And then it was my turn to pay so I nervously unzipped my purse and pulled out my trifold wallet with the velcro and next thing I know hot guy was all uh, I think you dropped something... and I followed his gaze to my tampon which had been inadvertently flung out of my purse.

Obviously the relationship was over between us. Who'd want to date such a butterfinger's?

But with the wisdom, knowledge and confidence I have gained from 20 years of growth and experience, I know I'd totally take a flying wad of balled up cotton in a cardboard tube flying out of my purse over pissing my pants any day.

5 comments:

Johi said...

I have skipped all of my class reunions. The 20 yr is quickly approaching. Like I have 2 years to get my shit together and be fabulous and successful. Looks like I won't be going ....

Have fun and try not to pee on anyone.

Becca said...

How much energy did we all waste on sneaking tampons? I mean, I'm a woman, deal with it, right? Now peeing your pants, on the other hand...

Brenna said...

I had a lovely dinner on Sunday night with a high school friend who saw my wiener dog EATING a dirty maxi pad she'd pulled out of the bathroom garbage. It was totally not awkward.

Judson and Sara Luke said...

I promise to tell you about any boogers, food in teeth, or leakage. And you'll reciprocate, yes? Same for bad breath. Slip me a mint.

Getrealmommy said...

Way too funny, just posted about my upcoming 20 year. Not sure if I am going to attend or not. Don't know that it will actually resolve any of my old loser feelings... let me know how it goes!