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Showing posts from January 23, 2011

Navigating the obstacles of life just to get to Starbucks.

Last night I had big plans to escape my family and head to our local Starbucks to spend an amazing kid-free time with my amazing friend, Kim. I spent all day imagining the carefree laughter and the ability to have a conversation without being interrupted by people shorter than four feet. It would be pure bliss, I was certain.

At 5:01pm I was driving excitedly from the office parking lot, heading towards unadulterated freedom and a grande chai tea latte!

Except at 5:02pm, the reality of my life slapped me hard in the face when Big V called and said he didn't actually have time to pick the kids up from day care so I'd have to do it. I'm pretty sure he did that on purpose because I didn't invite him to our Starbucks soiree. He can be bitter and petty like that.

(Just kidding. That's called sarcasm people.) The truth is, Big V was off to referee a basketball game. He does that from time to time because he likes to play dress up and has an extra prisoner's shirt fr…

The Lang Company Thinks I'm A Loser. Maybe. Or Else They Love Me. I Can't Tell.

January 27, 2011

The Lang Company
PO Box 1605
Waukesha, WI 53187

To Whom It May Concern:

Last night I went to my mailbox which is something I do daily with a certain amount of dread because there are usually only bills inside, or junk mail addressed to some lady named Colleen who doesn’t even live in our house and really, what fun is that? But ‘lo and behold, last night, waiting in my mailbox was a package from The Lang Company. And I love me some Lang, know what I mean? (It’s the paper. Superb!)

I opened the package and found a 2011 Folk Art Engagement Planner inside. That made me confused because I was pretty sure I had already received the one I ordered but I tend to drink a lot of wine and also the baby has been suffering from a pretty bad cold and hasn’t been sleeping through the night lately so I couldn’t actually be certain I had one already. The mind can play some pretty powerful tricks on a person when they’re exhausted and/or drunk. So, I went to my purse and ‘lo and behold! …

Thanks to The Bloggess, My Life's Mission is Just About Complete

Yeah, yeah, I've given birth to three children, served in the United States Army, and can touch my nose with my tongue, but hasn't everybody?

Well, not everybody. Obviously, no man has actually given birth to a child, unless you count Thomas Beatie who was transgender and legally a man but kept his girlie parts so he could have a baby.

And the Army stint? They let anyone join. Seriously. Some time I'll tell you about Private Gloria Farmer (yes, her real name) who almost blew my legs off because she panicked during the whole "pull the pin, count to three and throw it" grenade exercise. Nowhere did it say "get nervous, fumble, and drop the sucker between the legs of your fellow soldier who is pretending to save your sorry ass with tracer bullets." (Don't worry, it wasn't a real grenade; those are expensive. These were the pretendish grenades that were more like fireworks. But fireworks can still blow off appendages, people. The danger is real.)

What's For Dinner?

I'm thinking of writing a cookbook called I Have No Food and I Have No Time, What's For Dinner? because really, that's the story of my life. I usually work later than Big V and, while he's a great help at picking up the kids and carting their butts home, he tends to just sit there and wait until dinner magically appears in front of him. The older kids have picked up on this habit. I'll walk in two to three hours after they all got home and be ambushed by three starving, foaming at the mouths wild monsters, and one super cute toddler who's seemingly only word is a high pitched HI! (which he rapidly repeats 672 times before tiring). (Yes, 672 times. Believe this to be true.)

I haven't yet removed my shoes, I'm hopping up and down because my bladder can no longer take the ten minute commute down bumpy, country roads and I really have to pee, the baby is pulling on the purse hanging from my arm (another fun game we like to play, Let's Rip Mommy's Pu…

What did YOU do this weekend?

Things I learned this weekend:
The digestive system, which simply put, breaks down food into a form our body can use, is 28 feet long and consists of the mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestines, large intestines and anus. Digestion starts in the mouth where food is chewed and broken into smaller pieces. The mouth's saliva contains enzymes that turn starches into sugars. The food then travels down the ten inch tube, with a one inch diameter (about the size of a quarter) called the esophagus. The esophagus connects the mouth to the stomach. The stomach is a strong bag-like organ that squeezes the food for about 2 hours before it's passed to the small intestines. The small intestines are narrow - also about 1" in diameter, and 22 feet long. It is here where the liver and pancreas help aid in digestion. The liver produces bile that breaks down fat and the pancreas creates a chemical that breaks down stomach acid, without which the acid would burn through the walls of the …