Tweet Last night I had big plans to escape my family and head to our local Starbucks to spend an amazing kid-free time with my amazing friend, Kim. I spent all day imagining the carefree laughter and the ability to have a conversation without being interrupted by people shorter than four feet. It would be pure bliss, I was certain.
At 5:01pm I was driving excitedly from the office parking lot, heading towards unadulterated freedom and a grande chai tea latte!
Except at 5:02pm, the reality of my life slapped me hard in the face when Big V called and said he didn't actually have time to pick the kids up from day care so I'd have to do it. I'm pretty sure he did that on purpose because I didn't invite him to our Starbucks soiree. He can be bitter and petty like that.
(Just kidding. That's called sarcasm people.) The truth is, Big V was off to referee a basketball game. He does that from time to time because he likes to play dress up and has an extra prisoner's shirt from an old Halloween costume he likes to use. (Again. Sarcasm.)
So I get the kids home and the Bean is all "do you notice I did my eye make-up different today?" and the baby was all "BAH! BAH! BAH!" which can mean book, ball, bottle, Bahamas or Bahrain. I don't pretend to understand. And then Dotter pipes up with, "I'm so excited! I can't wait to go!" Uh... go where? "To the cultural celebration!" And I was all I'll turn on National Geographic for you because I'm going to Starbuck's and I'm going to celebrate culture there by myself. Without kids.
And then she reminded me about how all those papers she's been handing me every night after school mentioned the fact that for the past thirty days or so the entire school has been learning about Africa and tonight is the night that the school gymnasium is transformed into another part of the planet and there will be food and posters and artwork and they even get to sing a traditional African greeting song. Oh, and also her shift starts at 7 o'clock. You have a shift? "Yes. I volunteered to work at our Nigeria table from 7:00 to 7:30pm." Oh, goody.
So we went to Africa. And at 7:31pm I was all up in Dotter's face Good job! This was great! Wow, you sure knew a lot about Nigeria! Can we go now? Huh? Huh? Can we?
Starbuck's was calling my name in a bad way so I decided to do what any mature mother would do in this situation and drop my daughter off in the street so I didn't have to lose precious time with all that in-and-out maneuvering in the driveway. Hasta la vista, kiddo! "Goeie nag, Mamma! Ek is lief vir jou!"
Four minutes away was my safe haven... Almost there.... AND the phone rings. It's Big V:
I was going to talk to you before you left but I heard your tires squeal as you were escaping.
Oh, sorry. I'm in a hurry. What did you need?
The kids are hungry.
What should I feed them?
What do we have?
We have hot dogs.
Feed them hot dogs.
But we're out of propane.
For the grill. We're out of propane for the grill so I can't make the hot dogs.
What about the stove?
What about it?
Make the hot dogs on the stove.
You can make hot dogs on the stove?
Yes. [... for the love ....]
How do you make hot dogs on the stove?
Just put them in a frying pan and fry them up. Pretend it's a grill.
What number should I put it on?
What? [... I'm parking now....]
What number should I put the dial on?
I don't care.
Will 5 be too high?
It'll be fine.
I don't want to burn them
Then turn it down.
Will 2 be too low?
I don't know... it'll be fine... people eat hot dogs raw... [...shut up... I'm almost to the door...]
Maybe I should just set the dial to in between the 2 and the 5.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT! YOU SHOULD DO THAT! I GOT TO GO! GOOD LUCK! [... I just want my Starbucks! Please don't make me cry!...]
I have never had so much fun sitting in Starbucks in my life. Amazingly, not once did I worry if my family succumbed to E Coli after consuming undercooked hot dogs.