Tweet Yeah, yeah, I've given birth to three children, served in the United States Army, and can touch my nose with my tongue, but hasn't everybody?
Well, not everybody. Obviously, no man has actually given birth to a child, unless you count Thomas Beatie who was transgender and legally a man but kept his girlie parts so he could have a baby.
And the Army stint? They let anyone join. Seriously. Some time I'll tell you about Private Gloria Farmer (yes, her real name) who almost blew my legs off because she panicked during the whole "pull the pin, count to three and throw it" grenade exercise. Nowhere did it say "get nervous, fumble, and drop the sucker between the legs of your fellow soldier who is pretending to save your sorry ass with tracer bullets." (Don't worry, it wasn't a real grenade; those are expensive. These were the pretendish grenades that were more like fireworks. But fireworks can still blow off appendages, people. The danger is real.)
And also, there was a guy I went to school with who had this freakishly long tongue that he could part his bangs with. Seriously, the kid was part cow. My point? I haven't exactly accomplished anything memorable or exciting in life.
Or have I?
Because ohmygodIcannotbelievethis but you know Jenny, The Bloggess, right? I mean, she's only like the funniest person on the web - but, hey, uh, Mom, if you're reading this, don't actually click on that link I just provided because she sometimes seems to cuss a lot and she sometimes talks about sex and also zombies which might freak you out a bit. In fact, she's maybe probably actually written detailed accounts of zombies having sex which would really, really freak you out, so just trust me that she's really funny in between all the swearing and the sex addicted zombies, okay? So, anyway --- anyone who is anyone follows The Bloggess, except for William Shatner, who I think has a restraining order out against the Bloggess, but that's really for him to straighten out in therapy, and also, if I comment on that Bill might block me from his twitter account. Because he has done that.
So, this morning, the Bloggess posts and HOLY SMOKES her post is all about me! And by all about me I mean she included the title of one of my blog posts called A Dollar For Your 'Stache! And it's listed as number six! I made the top ten, people! I made the top ten!
Don't worry, I'll wait while you go back to her post and also bask in my glory. Perhaps I could get her to highlight my title to make it easier for you to find it. Just count six titles down, people. Just six. This, in and of itself, is quite an accomplishment.
This accomplishment feels intrinsically way better than the time I gave birth without an epidural and actually lived through it! Oh, yeah, and about that - I realize I was really young, Dr. Rosenboom (yes, your real name), and had no idea what an actual "Birth Plan" was but that does not make it okay for you to keep the glorious wonders of an epidural secret. And also, while we're on it, I feel cheated because I never crushed on you and everyone says they crushed on their baby doc. No epidural and no irrational physical attraction to some guy who spends the majority of his day looking at lady bits? It's a miracle I ever had more children.
But nevermind all that. I am feeling good today because I was personally included in The Bloggess's post! I feel so good I am even going to forgive her obvious oversight in not mentioning me by name because she's probably busy terrifying people in her panda costume.
I am content in knowing my Life's Mission is just about complete. I can't tell you the full details of my mission because it involves a large dinner party where I am being served by one particular Bloggess donning a quite particular panda costume and I don't want to accidently scare said Bloggess away. Let's just say the groundwork has been laid, people. It's only a matter of time...