Skip to main content

The Lang Company Thinks I'm A Loser. Maybe. Or Else They Love Me. I Can't Tell.

January 27, 2011

The Lang Company
PO Box 1605
Waukesha, WI 53187

To Whom It May Concern:

Last night I went to my mailbox which is something I do daily with a certain amount of dread because there are usually only bills inside, or junk mail addressed to some lady named Colleen who doesn’t even live in our house and really, what fun is that? But ‘lo and behold, last night, waiting in my mailbox was a package from The Lang Company. And I love me some Lang, know what I mean? (It’s the paper. Superb!)

I opened the package and found a 2011 Folk Art Engagement Planner inside. That made me confused because I was pretty sure I had already received the one I ordered but I tend to drink a lot of wine and also the baby has been suffering from a pretty bad cold and hasn’t been sleeping through the night lately so I couldn’t actually be certain I had one already. The mind can play some pretty powerful tricks on a person when they’re exhausted and/or drunk. So, I went to my purse and ‘lo and behold! There was the original 2011 Folk Art Engagement Planner I had ordered and received. In case you think I’m still drunk and/or exhausted here’s photographic proof there were two:

At first I thought obviously Lang loves me so much they sent me an extra gift to enjoy but then I started getting paranoid thinking maybe it was actually some sort of cruel joke to rub it in my face that there’s no way I have enough engagements planned to fill one book, much less two, and Lang thinks it’s funny to point out I’m a big loser. So I figured I ought to just ask outright which it was: a gift or a jab. But then I got to thinking that maybe the person who sent me two of my order instead of just the one I paid for had made an honest mistake and was not a mean person at all. Then I thought what if that person was just exhausted like me (but not necessarily drunk) and didn’t mean to mess up? I wouldn’t want them to lose their job because what if they have a baby at home who is all stuffed up and not sleeping through the night and needs medication and working at Lang is their only means to pay for that medication because not everyone has decent health insurance, you know, although they should.

Now I have this moral dilemma because I know the second planner isn’t one I rightfully paid for and I need to return it but I don’t want to have the firing of an individual on my conscience (especially knowing their child is sick). Unless of course that person is just malicious and meant to send it to me as a cruel reminder that after kids I no longer have a social life because then that person can just fry (figuratively speaking). So, here’s your extra book back. I trust you’ll know what to do.

Phoenix Rising

PS:  I don’t actually say ‘lo and behold often (or at all). It’s just that holy shit! did not seem professional.

PPS: I also don't drink as much as I may have implied so you don't really have to call Child Protective Services. Unless you feel you need to. I could just enter that home visit into my 2011 Folk Art Engagement Planner. (The one I kept; not the one I returned.)

PPPS: If someone from Lang did want to send me a special gift because they loved me I actually have my eye on the Vintage Floral Address Book (Item # 1013145). I do have enough friends and family to fill that no problem.


Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

So, WILL an M&M melt in your nose?

This weekend was one of the busiest social dates of the summer. The options seemed endless: a lobster boil, a fireman's dance, and a little something called Moos & Blues which you just have to experience to believe. (Small town farmers hosting one of the biggest events of the season: pig roast, live music and an unbelievable fireworks display that ranks up there with the best of 'em.) However, I was home with Dotter (9) and Cletus (1.5) and two extra kids (aged 3 and 1).

Big V, being the stellar support system that he is, bailed on me to attend an obligatory graduation party.

So it was me (clearly outnumbered) who stayed with the children for the day.

And it was a very long day.

Eight hours later I had managed to put two of the kids to bed and the other was quietly watching a movie. (Dotter had locked herself in my bedroom hours earlier to get away from everyone. Meaning me. Because I kept asking her to help bring me a diaper. Help fill up that sippy cup. Help take that…