Friday, December 2, 2011

Slather on the Old Spice - it's Opening Night!

Tonight is Opening Night! And my armpits are already drenched. With sweat. Because I have to sing. About bowling. By myself. Twelve seconds into the show. By myself.

And for those of you that don't know what by myself entails, it's like this: the act of making a fool of yourself while a room full of people stare at you; many of whom are in the cast with you and actually have fantabulous singing voices, so they pretty much feel like you're the one crappy cast member who drags the talent level way down but because they know you could totally mess with their props and jump their lines on stage they will never actually tell you to your face.

Which reminds me of when I did Oliver with the amazing shit-starter Scott Stratton who tried to make me laugh out loud on stage every. single. night. The talented bastard.... oh, yes, Mr. Stratton, I have not yet forgotten. Mostly because the jerk succeeded just about every single night. And there I was, on stage, in front of a room full of people expecting something amazing and there I was snorting and holding back laughter. My, lord, but he is incredibly talented, that one! If you get a chance to see him perform - don't pass it up. He's in the Chicago area. 

Anyway, the good news is: I wrote the lyrics myself!

The bad news is: I still can't remember those tricky lyrics I wrote. Why did I make them so complicated?

Also, it's roughly 98 degrees backstage and -12 onstage so I'll probably catch pneumonia. And then they'll have to wheel me onstage in one of those huge iron lungs so I can do my part. Which will be tricky because there are stairs involved. Just saying.

And, yes, I realize they don't actually treat pneumonia with an iron lung but the visual wouldn't have been as funny if I had said, "I'll probably catch pneumonia and then be prescribed an antibiotic." See, you don't feel sorry for me at all, do you? But you were just about tearing up picturing me in a negative pressure ventilator, weren't you?

Wish me luck tonight.


Don't do that. That's like, really bad luck. You're supposed to say break a leg but I'm so insecure I usually answer with why do you hate me so much? when I hear it and then spend the rest of my life in quiet fear of your obvious annoyance of me.

Maybe if you send me good vibes I'll be so amazing Christopher Walken will want to play opposite me in a musical comedy and use my song! That would be totally epic. Mostly - okay, completely - because it's Christopher Freaking Walken!

You should come see our show. Each and every one of my treasured readers. If you let me know you're in the audience I'll totally try to work your name into my song. I swear. Unless there's too many of you. Then I'll probably just randomly shout out names throughout the performance. I'll just let the audience assume I'm a bowler with tourette's.

You can find more info about our holiday musical RIGHT HERE! 


Getrealmommy said...

I so wish I could still be involved in theater. I'm just not very talented.

Becca said...

You are amazing! And this post was very funny.