Wednesday, December 21, 2011

If someone could possibly make a nativity out of buttons this would all make sense.

Last night was Dotter's school Christmas Program. (It's okay; she goes to a parochial school so we actually get to say the word "Christmas.") Anyway, Big V spent a good portion of the program pointing the giraffes out to the toddler. And I spent a good amount of time giving him the sideways eyeball.

Dude. They're not giraffes. 


Quit saying they're giraffes. 


Because they're camels.

Well, they look like giraffes.

No they don't. Those are plain; giraffes have spots. 

Giraffes don't have spots... they have blobs and blotches.

Whatever. Just stop saying they're giraffes. They're camels.

I don't know what that bothers you.

Because giraffes weren't present at the birth of the Lord our Savior.

Do you have proof?

And then I just glared at him until the toddler drove us both nuts and he had to take him out for the rest of the program at which time I was able to update my Facebook status to something snarky about Big V's Jesus being born under the watchful eye of an 18-foot cud chewing mammal.

Then, today I was reading what The Bloggess wrote about how there's probably hula hoop porn - but she doesn't necessarily partake in it, regardless of what her neighbor might think, and sure enough, there really is hula hoop porn (but I was way too chicken to click on that link) and then The Bloggess said that there's basically porn for everything and that got me thinking about hopscotch porn because if you think there's a lot of wiggly and jiggling going on while hula hooping imagine what the jarring motions of hopscotch could do?

Then that got me thinking about Big V and his giraffe attended nativity and I thought huh. Maybe if there's hula hoop porn there might possibly be a nativity with a giraffe in it and guess what I found?

Yes, Virginia, there really was a giraffe present at the birth of Jesus Christ!

And then that got me thinking about how I've been wanting to collect things for awhile now but I just can't come up with the right thing to collect. I thought about collecting buttons because they don't take up much space, plus every shirt and sweater I buy seems to include an extra one in a mini plastic Ziploc bag and I never know what to do with them. But then I thought what if people find out I collect buttons? They'll want to give me buttons as a gift. Which is cool to grow my collection, but let's be honest. Who wants to open a button for their birthday?

So then that made me think maybe I'd start collecting nativity scenes. Only strange ones. Like this one:

But that got me thinking about how I am actually terrified of owls for two reasons: (1) they're always glaring and I'm basically terrified of anything and anyone that glares (which explains my irrational fear of Jack Nicholson) and, (2) my sister once loaned me a book and said I had to read it and it was this horrible psychological thriller about a guy who kills his friends off one by one and leaves this little owl figurine at the scene of every crime.

And so then I thought about what messed up nativity scenes I'd surely receive because I've got some really twisted relatives. And friends.

And then I decided I'm definitely not collecting nativity scenes. Because of the nightmares and also because they take up way more space than buttons and I hate clutter. So, I guess I'm basically saying I'm open for suggestions. Because I want to be the type of person who is remembered by others when they're out shopping.

"Oh, look at this beautiful music box! Aunt Susie will absolutely love it!"
"...and then we saw this gorgeous dolphin sculpture and immediately thought of you!"

See, there really isn't anything out there that people see and go, "A-ha! This is absolutely Bridget!" Although, now that I think about it, maybe buttons is the direction to go because they're basically everywhere.

"I was about to throw out this sweater but then I remembered you collect buttons, so I took them all off and here, I'm giving them to you."
"And then I looked down on the ground and wouldn't you know it? A button! Like it was a sign from God!"
"So, I come out of the john, buttoning up my pants and I totally started thinking of you!"


Tina, said...

I used to collect black and white cows but everyone thought I just collected cows and began giving me brown and white cows. Then the cows became really strange colors and the brown and white cows and the blue and purple and red cows just didn't work in the collection thing.

So I began collecting dragons from the cigar shop, but they were expensive and Husband only bought them for my birthday. And I began wanting other things for my birthday besides another dragon.

Now I scrapbook because 1) I can't stand clutter and cows and dragon figurines were everywhere and I couldn't stand either of them! 2) Once you put the photos in a neat package like a book, you can trash the others and keep copies on the computer.

No clutter, and my collection will someday mean something to someone else. It better anyway, it all about The Boy and him growing up!

Becca said...

HA! This was awesome. I don't collect anything. What I do love? Is getting rid of things. Finishing up a tub of sour cream and throwing it in recycling gives me an adrenaline rush. So does dropping off a van-load of household goods and toys at the children's home. I'm the anti-collector. People give me food, you know why? Because you use it up and then I get to throw away the package. Hurray!

Johi said...

I think that you should collect stamps in your passport! Ha. We all can dream, right?

I am going with my standard answer: Shoes.

Sassdawg. said...

Wait a minute, there's hoola hoop porn?

Sassdawg. said...

my wife for a long while collected books, unfortunately expensive and definitely clutter. Personally, I have always been a fan of collecting experiences. Your "bucket list" should grow and evolve and you shouldn't wait until either you're a) dying, or b) the children are grown to start ticking things off. Things may come and go, experiences last a life time.