Thursday, December 1, 2011

Because God loves the Kardashian's I might have to kill my sleeping partner.

Night Two of the Loud Sleep Breathing. One of us is not going to make it out alive.

I'm surprised more men aren't murdered in their sleep. Although, to be fair, I suppose women could be Loud Sleep Breathers, too, and then they also could be murdered in their sleep. Because I'm all about equality.

In this case, however, it's Big V with the Loud Sleep Breathing complex. It's like listening to Eddie Haskell try to mimic Darth Vader. For hours. But never getting it right. For hours.

And then I gently shake Big V's shoulder. And he moves over to his side. And I get two seconds of golden silence. And then he starts in with the loud breathing again.

And then I poke him in the shoulder. One of those pokey pokes. That hurt. And he moves over to his other side. And I get two seconds of golden silence. And then he starts in with the loud breathing again.

And then I'm going all shaken baby syndrome on his sleeping a$$ screaming things like if you don't figure out how to breathe in silence I'm taking this pillow and show you silence! Because I believe in communicating your feelings.

And the next evening, when I shuffle through the door after a long day of consuming 14 cans of sugary Mountain Dew in an attempt to keep my eyes open after having only slept twenty consecutive minutes at a time, he looks up at me and says, "I hope I'm not getting sick; I woke up this morning and my throat was really sore."

This is what I get for judging Kourtney Kardashian and that boyfriend of hers - the one that looks like a weasel - for sleeping in separate bedrooms. When I heard she was pregnant again I thought, "why bring a baby into an environment where mom and dad can't even sleep in the same bedroom?! That poor baby..." And then God was all, "DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS!" (Because my God always talks in capital letters.) And just to prove his point he infected Big V with Loud Sleep Breathing - which honestly is way better than leprosy, so I probably shouldn't complain - but now I feel like I should write Kourtney an apology.

Dear Ms. Kardashian:

Specifically Kourtney.

Not the other Kardashians.

Because I'm probably still judging them.

Dear Ms. Kourtney Kardashian:

I accidently jumped to conclusions about how dysfunctional your relationship is with The Weasel. Well, not exactly "accidently," per se... more like "intentional" - but you get my point.

See, I assumed that you and The Weasel were on the outs because you sleep in different bedrooms and I think it's pretty stupid to stay with someone you can't even stand to sleep next to. But then God heard my judgment and got mad at me because, well, God loves you. (As evidenced by the ridiculous amount of fame and money you and your family make for doing absolutely nothing.)  (Except for Bruce. Bruce literally had to work his hiney off for that Wheeties Box, but then again, he's a Jenner and not technically a Kardashian. But I digress...)

Anyway, God has inflicted my guy (who isn't a weasel at all) with Loud Sleep Breathing and now I can't sleep. In fact, I haven't been able to sleep for a long time. Too long. And also he's been getting up at four o'clock in the morning to go to work which also wakes me up because he has this ridiculously loud alarm. And I get that you're just coming home from a night of free dining and boozing and schmoozing at four in the morning, so you're also awake, but what you might not get is that I have to go to this thing called A Job and then actually be able to function. I don't get to sleep in until noon on my extra fluffy pillow top mattress covered by my 3,000 count Egyptian Cotton sheets while the housekeeper is busy dusting my mini blinds and watering my plants.

So, for the sake of Big V's life (and also my sanity), I sincerely apologize for judging you. I now get why you sleep in separate bedrooms. It's because The Weasel breathes obnoxiously loud in his sleep, isn't it? I understand now. Really. I do. So if you could just let God know the next time your people set up a meeting with His people that I learned my lesson and maybe ask that He please turn Big V back into a silent sleeper that'd be just swell. Thanks.

3 comments:

Johi said...

I think that Brock and Big V should have to sleep in the same room as punishment for the LOUD SLEEP BREATHING and the F***ING SNORING. Like God, I talk in Caps too.

Ellen said...

I have a hubby who does this...yes and the shoulder bumping, the "your snoring" or "your making too much noise"...he always is sorry...but I could never sleep in another room. He also keeps me warm at night.

Ear plugs?

Becca said...

Thank God Ryan is normally quiet, but when he is sick? He sounds JUST like an espresso machine. That's why you have to say "In sickness and in health."