Tweet I had a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy yesterday. That meant they went in both ends - but not at the same time because that might get the camera tubes all tangled up, and what a mess that would be. They went down my throat first - which is good, because since I was asleep I couldn't be certain they didn't use the same camera tube for both ends, know what I mean? Just in case they did I wanted to make sure they went through my mouth first.
I wasn't totally asleep though. More like hanging out after having way too much to drink. They call it conscious sedation. I call it my sophomore year of college. Basically I could talk, communicate and respond to verbal clues, but had to rely on others to tell me what the hell I did that I couldn't remember. I wasn't allowed to operate heavy machinery, go up or down stairs or sign any legal documents for the remainder of the day. Probably because I was going to be hungover.
First they had to numb my throat (so I wouldn't freak out and think I was choking on a tube). The nurse told me it was like that Chloraseptic® spray you use for a sore throat... then she whipped out a can of WD-40 and sprayed it in the back of my throat. Okay, so it wasn't really WD-40 but it sure as hell tasted like something you'd spray on an engine. And because I was a complete baby and gagged and coughed and sputtered the second it hit my throat they had to go in for Round 2. Which meant I was forced to taste more of that crap. Also, because I gagged and coughed and sputtered my nose, lips and face were also numb. Needless to say, I drooled. A lot.
Then the nurse said, "we're starting the sedation now" and I said "oh! I feel it! It's cold in my arm!" and the nurse said, "good, it a few minutes you'll feel -----"
And then I woke up in the recovery room, sitting up, looking at a food tray displaying a fruit danish, a glass of water and a glass of juice. That sedation worked like magic!
Before they released me to go home I had to walk a lap around the recovery room floor. Arm in arm I went with my most favorite nurse ever! and giggled as I stumbled into her and slurred this is just like college! I'm pretty sure I was her most favorite patient of the day.
On the way home I threw up all over my mom's car door. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I was not her most favorite patient of the day.
Then I went home and fell into bed. It was 11:30am. Or at least I think it was.
I woke up just before 4pm, when I heard Dotter exclaim she's in here! followed by Mom, where's your car? After a few hazy minutes trying to come to, I realized my mother and my 10-year old were attempting to explain that my car was not in the garage, nor in the driveway. That it was, in fact, gone. Missing. Stolen.
Where did I last have my car? In the garage.
Were the keys in it? Yes.
Did you leave the overhead door open? I don't think so. I don't remember how I got into the house, so maybe. Maybe I did.
Any chance Big V would have it? If he did his truck would be here.
Was anyone else here? The Teen Bean was. She brought me a Coke. Should I call the police??
Hold on. Let's talk to the [ahem... unlicensed] Bean first. See if she knows anything.
Teen Text: In practice. You okay?
My Text: Did you steal my car?
Teen Text: Steal? Noo! I asked you and you said ok and I said thank you! And gave you a hug and left.
My Text: I don't remember any of that. I'm all doped up; why would you ever THINK that was okay?
Teen Text: I'm sorry you're doped on drugs but we were talking and I thought you were fine. Sorry for the miscommunication.
My Text: It's NOT a miscommunication. YOU TOOK A CAR WITHOUT A LICENSE. I don't think the police will think you're "miscommunicating."
Teen Text: oh yeah. I forgot haha but I'm a good driver and I drive all the time. I get my license in like 30 days. Sorry ma! Feel better and I looovee u! And you can trust me. I won't get in trouble.
My Text: You just did! YOU. TOOK. A. CAR. WITHOUT. A. LICENSE!
Teen Text: You told me ok.... I'm sorry... If you're that mad about it I guess I won't ever even ask you again.
My Text: It shouldn't even BE a question: YOU DON'T HAVE A LICENSE!
Teen Text: Fine. Pasta Dinner tonight at [Jane Doe's] - can I go?
My Text: What kind of alternate universe do you live in?