Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And this is EXACTLY why you should never make major decisions after conscious sedation.

I had a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy yesterday. That meant they went in both ends - but not at the same time because that might get the camera tubes all tangled up, and what a mess that would be. They went down my throat first - which is good, because since I was asleep I couldn't be certain they didn't use the same camera tube for both ends, know what I mean? Just in case they did I wanted to make sure they went through my mouth first.

I wasn't totally asleep though. More like hanging out after having way too much to drink. They call it conscious sedation. I call it my sophomore year of college. Basically I could talk, communicate and respond to verbal clues, but had to rely on others to tell me what the hell I did that I couldn't remember. I wasn't allowed to operate heavy machinery, go up or down stairs or sign any legal documents for the remainder of the day. Probably because I was going to be hungover.

First they had to numb my throat (so I wouldn't freak out and think I was choking on a tube). The nurse told me it was like that Chloraseptic® spray you use for a sore throat... then she whipped out a can of WD-40 and sprayed it in the back of my throat. Okay, so it wasn't really WD-40 but it sure as hell tasted like something you'd spray on an engine. And because I was a complete baby and gagged and coughed and sputtered the second it hit my throat they had to go in for Round 2. Which meant I was forced to taste more of that crap. Also, because I gagged and coughed and sputtered my nose, lips and face were also numb. Needless to say, I drooled. A lot.

Then the nurse said, "we're starting the sedation now" and I said "oh! I feel it! It's cold in my arm!" and the nurse said, "good, it a few minutes you'll feel -----"

And then I woke up in the recovery room, sitting up, looking at a food tray displaying a fruit danish, a glass of water and a glass of juice. That sedation worked like magic!

Before they released me to go home I had to walk a lap around the recovery room floor. Arm in arm I went with my most favorite nurse ever! and giggled as I stumbled into her and slurred this is just like college! I'm pretty sure I was her most favorite patient of the day.

On the way home I threw up all over my mom's car door. Twice.

I'm pretty sure I was not her most favorite patient of the day.

Then I went home and fell into bed. It was 11:30am. Or at least I think it was.

I woke up just before 4pm, when I heard Dotter exclaim she's in here! followed by Mom, where's your car? After a few hazy minutes trying to come to, I realized my mother and my 10-year old were attempting to explain that my car was not in the garage, nor in the driveway. That it was, in fact, gone. Missing. Stolen.

Where did I last have my car? In the garage.

Were the keys in it? Yes.

Did you leave the overhead door open? I don't think so. I don't remember how I got into the house, so maybe. Maybe I did.

Any chance Big V would have it? If he did his truck would be here.

Was anyone else here? The Teen Bean was. She brought me a Coke. Should I call the police??

Hold on. Let's talk to the [ahem... unlicensed] Bean first. See if she knows anything.


Teen Text:  In practice. You okay?

My Text:  Did you steal my car?

Teen Text:  Steal? Noo! I asked you and you said ok and I said thank you! And gave you a hug and left.

My Text:  I don't remember any of that. I'm all doped up; why would you ever THINK that was okay?

Teen Text:  I'm sorry you're doped on drugs but we were talking and I thought you were fine. Sorry for the miscommunication.

My Text: It's NOT a miscommunication. YOU TOOK A CAR WITHOUT A LICENSE. I don't think the police will think you're "miscommunicating."

Teen Text: oh yeah. I forgot haha but I'm a good driver and I drive all the time. I get my license in like 30 days. Sorry ma! Feel better and I looovee u! And you can trust me. I won't get in trouble.

My Text: You just did! YOU. TOOK. A. CAR. WITHOUT. A. LICENSE!

Teen Text: You told me ok.... I'm sorry... If you're that mad about it I guess I won't ever even ask you again.

My Text: It shouldn't even BE a question: YOU DON'T HAVE A LICENSE!

Teen Text:  Fine. Pasta Dinner tonight at [Jane Doe's] - can I go?

My Text: What kind of alternate universe do you live in?


Meg said...

I can't figure out what is funnier- the "sophomore year of college part" or that your teen thought it would be okay to drive without a license! These things happen with frequency, I guess. My husband drove to high school for 2 months before he had a license. (Why did they give him a parking sticker! Why don't people think!)

I'm pretty sure that they should provide a gag for post-sedation patients. When we're cognizant enough to realize we've been gagged, and also that its odd, we're probably ready to speak with the world again.

(As a side note, my captcha text is "gronally," which sounds exactly like the way teens respond to requests)

HeatherB said...

Literally choking on my Mountain Dew slushie over here.

I am truly amazed that you have made it this far. Truly.

Becca said...

OMG so funny/horrifying!

Reminds me of my dad's cousin, who stole her mom's car, got it stuck in a snowbank, then went back and stole her DAD'S car too and went along her merry way. Teenagers are just tall toddlers, aren't they?

Johi said...

I like the way she keeps her end of the communication super peppy. I'm shocked she didn't throw in a gee whiz! Peppy makes it all better.

letmestartbysaying said...

Ahhh...the colon. Good times. Hope all scans came out clean. Er. You know what I mean.

I'm guessing Teenager Without License has a sad, loney life in lockdown now?

Also: you should know something. I have to get hemorrhoidectomy #2. I was bitching about it on my blog today, and one of your/my readers told me I needed to get you in the loop. We shall commiserate, no?