Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Would YOU Get the Baby?

My office phone rang at noon:

Heh-woah?

Um, hello?

Heh-woah. Id's me - Big V. I'm sick. Leavin' work. I feel like crap. I can't breathe.

Ok.

I already puked twice. My head is killing me. I keep coughing so hard I'm afraid I'm going to start coughing up blood.

Ok.

I can't even breathe through my nose, but it keeps running - I've blown my nose so much today. It's ridiculous.

Ok.

So, I told the boss I couldn't work anymore. Usually I just work through it - but this, this is different. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never felt this sick before. My head is dizzy and I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out.

Ok.

Do you want me to pick up the baby?

No.

*click*


Half an hour later the my office phone rang again:

Heh-woah?

Um, hello?

Heh-woah. Id's me - Big V. I'm at WalMart.

Ok.

I wanna get some medicine so I can feel better.

Ok.

But I don't know what to get. There's like, a whole aisle full of different stuff and I don't know what to get.

Ok.

Just tell me what to get.

No.

Why not?

I don't know what your symptoms are.

I told you my symptoms. Earlier. See, you say you always listen to me but you really don't.

Are you feeling better?

No. Why?

Because if you have enough energy to point out my flaws you're really not that sick now, are you?

You're going to feel really guilty when you learn I died at WalMart.

You are not going to die at WalMart. You have a cold. A summer cold. A sinus infection, perhaps, but you will not die.

But I threw up. People don't throw up if they just have a cold.

Let me guess - you didn't feel good last night so you didn't eat any dinner, but you drank half a container of NyQuil in order to get some sleep.

Yeah....

Then you woke up feeling like crap this morning so you didn't eat anything for breakfast, but you drank half a container of DayQuil in order to try to get through the day.

Yeah....

You won't die. Your stomach lining is destroyed, but you won't die. Go home. Crawl in bed and sleep it off.

Do you want me to get the baby?

No.

Why not? I feel bad if I'm home but he's being watched by someone else.

Why not? Call ten mothers and ask them if they felt like death and could sleep for the afternoon without their children, whether or not they'd give their right arm to do it. Do whatever the majority says.

*click*

2 comments:

Meandu said...

I absolutely loved this post. It depicts a lot of conversations I have with my husband when he is not feeling well.

Phoenix Rising said...

Thanks for stopping by - and please come again! I think one of the reasons I could never be a nurse is that I wouldn't be able to hide my frustration with the male patients. lol