Thursday, August 12, 2010

To the North!

The last time I was on a vacation with my children was never. Unless you count that one time when Big V somehow convinced me that we were going to have a swell time at a resort hotel with his family. And by family I mean his mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, their two kids, his other sister, his other brother-in-law, and their four kids. With an adjoining door between our room and one of theirs. And the resort hotel was geared for kids under the age of 5, which I didn't have. I don't need to tell you that was anything but a vacation. It was more like a flesh eating bacteria. That you could see. But couldn't stop. Kids everywhere. Upset kids everywhere. And upset adults because no one wanted to watch the upset kids. And it took three hours to decide where to eat dinner. And I only wanted to relax, because being a single mom for the majority of my adult life I've never gone on a vacation so all I wanted to do was sit, and yet somehow it was mandated that I go shopping which I don't find relaxing at all, so I said no and they said yes and I said no and Big V was all don't upset the apple cart and I was all but I hate shopping and so I dug my heels in and didn't go because this was supposed to be fun for me, right? Except that didn't go over very well. So you see how the whole thing could hardly be described as a vacation.

Then I had Cletus. I admit the four days in the hospital was like a vacation. But instead of fruity drinks with umbrellas I was hooked up to an IV. The resulting fuzziness was the same, I guess.

I've wanted to go on a family vacation but we simply can't afford it. Especially when we keep having to buy drywall to replace what Satan the Dog eats.

Enter my friend, Robyn, who is like nobody you have ever met before in your life ever. Trust me. But after you meet her you'll be all Why don't I have a friend like her? and feel like something is missing from your life. She's smart, witty, and gorgeous. She laughs all. the. time. And she's snarky. She's snarkier than me. I like that. And she makes me laugh all. the. time. Which is why she's one of the coolest people ever.

One day she tosses out, "Go take your family up to our cabin! Enjoy! Relax!" And I'm polite, "sounds great." And weeks pass and she's like, "Seriously, go use our cabin. Before you stress out and kill your entire family." And I'm all, "well, maybe." And then I almost did kill my entire family so I asked, "Hey, is your place up north still available? Because I'm going to need a place to hide these bodies."

And now I'm going on a family vacation.

With Big V.
And two teens (because we needed someone to entertain the Bean so we wouldn't kill her).
And an 8-year old.
And a 10-month old.

For an entire weekend.

And I'm scared.

Because we have to drive. In a singular confined space. All of us. For over four hours.

And what on earth are we going to do without computers and phones and televisions... and my mom?

And also there's a bear. Called a sow. With cubs. And I feel over my head already. Because isn't a sow some kind of pig? So is this a pig masquerading as a bear? Or a bear masquerading as a pig? Is it like a transvestite bear? Or pig? Do we scare it off with a gun? Or shake a pack of bacon at it?

Robyn, sensing my anxiety, provided me with four detailed pages of directions and instructions. These pages included all pertinent information to ensure a safe and relaxing weekend such as:
Our canoe leaks - don't venture to use it unless you want to get wet.
Feel free to raid the food - just stay the f--k away from my booze! Priorities.

And where she provided directions to two beautiful nearby lakes, drew a road along with don't know the name of the road; if you can't find it you're dumb.  

I cannot wait to see what's in store for us.... and who survives...

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