Wednesday, December 23, 2009

All in a Day's Work

The night before the last day of school before Christmas Break.

Jelly Bean: "Um, Mom, you need to bring me to the store."

Me: [attempting to sit for the first time all day] "For...."

JB: "I have to get presents for my friends."

Me: "Silly child. You have no money and your mommy is smart enough to realize this."

JB: "But I have to get them something because they got me something."

Me: "It's almost nine o'clock at night, Bean."

JB: [full of emotional teen angst] "Why do you always treat me like this? You just don't want me to have any friends!"

Me: "How much are we talking here, Bean. How much money do you have budgeted for each gift and how many gifts do you need?"

JB: "Well...." [look of panic crosses face as she realizes she must employ math skills] "... um, maybe, like, ten dollars for each gift."

Me: "Ok. And how many gifts?"

JB: "Only like six."

Me: "That's sixty dollars - Are you planning on getting a job soon?"

JB: "No."

Me: [silent stare as I wait for her to realize this is a most rediculous request to ask me to pay $60 to buy gifts for her friends at 9:00 at night, especially since she has no plans of actually getting a job and working for her spending money]

JB: "It's just that most jobs you have to work on the weekends and that's the only time I get to see my friends."


6:48am the next morning.
Please note the bus arrives at 6:50am.

JB: [screaming into the bathroom where I'm busy showering] "Mom! You need to drive me to school."

Me: "Why?"

JB: "Because I have to turn in my cheerleading uniform."

Me: "... not following you here..."

JB: "Oh my god, Mom! I'm not going to ride the bus with my cheer uniform! That's so lame!"

Me: "What? Get on the bus!"

JB: "Oh my god! Why do you always embarrass me!"

Me: "Throw the uniform in your backpack, Bean. You've got enough room. It's not like there are any books in there."

JB: "You don't understand!" [noises that sound like she's throwing herself to the floor with her arm dramatically covering her face... much like a princess who has fainted after eating a poisoned apple]

Me: "Bean! You're going to miss the bus. I won't be done and dressed in the next three minutes to make sure you get to school on time and I don't think 'didn't feel like riding the bus' is a valid excuse for tardiness."

JB: "But I have my uniform!"

Me: [still yelling through running water] "It's the smallest uniform ever - next to the swim team's. Stuff it in your back pocket if you don't want it in your bag. Christ, stuff your bra with it, I don't care, just get on that bus so you're not late for school."

JB: "I hate you!"


I brush my teeth with hot water because I believe the more the toothpaste bubbles and foams the cleaner your teeth get.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Naughty List

There is this wonderful website called Portable North Pole that helps Santa connect with children. Answer a few questions and a video link is sent to your email that you and your child can watch together.

Cutest thing ever! And, yes, Dotter got one this weekend! She's been questionsing a lot lately (thanks to those unbelievers at school), but there was no denying Santa's existance after this video. (Santa just knew too much.)

"Where's Jelly Bean's?"

What? Jelly Bean needed a video, too? Crap.

So I snuck back to the computer to answer a few questions.... to add to the fun I put her on the naughty list. Laughing my way back to the living room I waited for the Bean to notice her new mail notification inbetween her constant instant messaging. Finally she cooperated and, for the sake of Dotter, exclaimed with great excitement: "Mom! I got a video from Santa, too! Come watch! Come watch!" (A bit forced, I'll admit, but it drew Dotter to her side in half a second.)

I couldn't stop giggling as Santa pointed out that the Bean's constant cell phone usage and lack of helping around the house was earning her a spot on his undesired Naughty List. The Bean gave me a look of, "Thanks, Mom. Only you would do something this dorky." Dotter was, well, quiet.

Hours later, when I returned home from my show, I tiptoed past Dotter's room only to hear her ask, "Mom? Is that you? I really need to talk to you."

"Honey, it's almost eleven o'clock. You should be sleeping."

"I know, but this is important."

"Okay. What do you need?"

That's when I noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. "Mom, what if Jelly Bean doesn't get a present from Santa?"


"You have to write Santa and tell him Jelly Bean isn't that bad all the time. What if she doesn't get a present from him? You have to write him, Mom!"

And so it is that I will be composing a letter to Santa Claus this very day to explain to him that the Bean deserves a gift as well. I figure the stamp is cheaper than the therapy Dotter's going to need if her sister doesn't get a gift from Santa on Christmas morning.

Injured Goose

"The PD is aware of a goose with its flipper caught in a trap. We tried unsuccessful to catch it today. It can fly at least far enough to get away. It is hanging around the beach and park area for now. Fellow Mortals will take it in if we can catch it. So until it gets tired there is nothing we can do."

Yes, InterPeople, this is an actual email I just received (as-is). I am currently attempting to resist the urge to run down to the beach and take a photograph of the injured goose.