Tuesday, August 21, 2012

If I Lived Alone.....

... I'd come home from work and the hidden bag of Butterfingers would still be in the back of the fridge behind the tub of Crisco and jar of pickled beets, and I would eat three of them (because they're the mini sized candy bars) and I wouldn't start crying because all I see are empty bright yellow wrappers strewn about my house.

... it would be impossible to ever find toenail clippings on the end table by the remote control because who does that?!

... all containers of Kool-aid would be filled with the proper powder to water ratio described in the directions and no one would ever pour themselves a tall glass of colored blah.

... toilet paper would find its way to the handy-dandy toilet paper dispenser and not sit on the side of the bathroom counter soaking up splashed water.

... I'd watch television for longer than 3.4 second bursts of time because my brain capacity can handle character dialogue.

... I would never empty my vacuum cleaner canister to discover a strange combination of kitty litter, corn flakes, and what appears to be a pair of shredded boxers.

And, last, but not least:

... all the errant hairs on the bar of soap would be mine.

3 comments:

Mary said...

*Sigh* I'm going to program myself to dream this scenario tonight. Mmmm... Butterfinger.

Getrealmommy said...

I have been away from your blog too long. I hear you. I can't even imagine how pretty my house would be if I lived alone. And my bathroom would not smell like urine because unlike my little boys I have aim. Uggg.

Chiconky said...

And if I came home from work to find a bunch of lunch dishes and half-eaten sandwiches on the table I'd know I'd been ransacked by a gang of BLT loving hooligans.