Skip to main content

Everything's Coming Up Roses. Or Raspberries.

We recently had an election in our county. Now, being that I work in a governmental setting and see the politics that go on around me, I make it a strict rule to
  1. never talk about politics,
  2. never mention politics,
  3. never bring up the name of a politician, and
  4. never become one.
There are just too many factors at work to believe that a singular human being can change the system. That being said, I also refuse to have those stupid politician signs littering my lawn - with the one and only exception of a kid I went to school with because he asks so nicely. Also, because we called him the nickname of a type of fish and I feel like I owe him some respect as an adult.

Anyway.

I turned down my street and as my house came into view I realized I was the new owner of a sizable Those Signs and the partner of a very proud Big V.  "Did you see the sign?" he beamed.

I stared at him. It was hard to miss it, that's for sure.

Why do we have that sign in our yard?

"Well, you know how you're always telling me to get more involved in politics?"

I've never told you to get involved in politics.

"Well, you've told me I should be more involved with the community."

I've never told you to be more involved with the community.

"Well, you told me I should watch the news more."

Why do we have that sign in our yard?

"Well, you know how a couple of months ago, I was cleaning out the garage and I had all that stuff at the curb just to throw out but then that guy stopped with the crappy truck and he wanted to take all the old carpet because he puts it around his raspberry bushes? Or maybe it was his rose bushes? I don't remember. I just know that he told me he uses the old carpet to put around some sort of bushes in his garden. I guess he has a really awesome garden. You know, I wouldn't mind planting some stuff around our house but I just don't know what would grow here. Also, I wouldn't want something that's a lot of work. You know, like having to weed it all the time or water it every day. You know I really like those --"

Why do we have that sign in our yard?

"I was getting to that but you interrupted me. Anyway, the guy comes back from time to time because I told him I do flooring and once in a while I might have some small pieces of old carpet that I just toss in the garbage and he said he'd want all the old pieces because it doesn't matter what it looks like; like if it's stained or an ugly color because he just uses it around his bushes."

The sign, V!

"Oh! So, anyway, he stopped by today and asked if he could put that sign up because we're a corner lot and it has a lot of visibility. So I told him he could. And I figured you'd be happy because you're always telling me to get more involved in politics."

I have never told you to get involved in politics. Ever.

"Whatever - watch the news more; I can't remember every single word you've ever said to me."

Do you know what the sign is for?

"What do you mean?"

What office the person is running for.

"Uh...no.... but it probably says it on the sign."

District Attorney.

"Oh."

Do you know who that guy actually is?

"... well, no..."

He's the attorney that represented my ex-husband in my divorce.

"Oh."

*crickets*

"This just got awkward, didn't it?"

As it turned out, the sign remained in place for the duration of the election season.

You're probably wondering why I would want a constant, daily reminder in my front yard of the period of my life when I spent thousands upon thousands of dollars waiting for my ex and his not-so-competent attorney to comply with such court direction like show up for a court date. (Seriously, people. Three times. Three different times we had scheduled court appearances where they didn't show up and the excuse was either "I forgot" or "It wasn't on my calendar" or even a blank, vacant stare. And each of those three times I was there with my attorney who had her clock ticking away, effectively computing all those billable hours, and each of those three times my ex was granted a continuance which meant I had to show up to court three more times with my attorney and her clock. And I paid her good money to sit next to me while we waited. And I won't even get into the whole oops, we forgot to bring those documents nonsense. But, hey, I'm not bitter.)

Anyway, the reason the sign stayed in the yard is because Big V felt it would be uncomfortable if Nasty Carpet Guy drove down our street and saw that the sign wasn't there. He would then wonder where the sign went and why it was gone and he had taken all that time to give it to us and we wouldn't want Nasty Carpet Guy to feel uncomfortable, would we?

(By the way, attorney dude lost the election.)

Comments

Rebecca said…
The fish nickname...ha!

This is an advantage to living in an apartment complex - no signs allowed.
Anonymous said…
Yeah, that sign would have mysteriously disappeared one night when the hubs wasn't looking. And I would have totally blamed it on neighborhood vandal kids. That's right, I'm not above it.

Glad he lost, at least.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…