Monday, April 16, 2012

The One in Which I Explain The Rules For Telling a Girl She's Got Something in Her Teeth

Once, when I was young and cute and slim enough to wear cute, frilly frocks, I went out on a date with a really cute guy. I felt really mature and adult-like because we were going to lunch. And only really mature people went to lunch. Therefore, I was mature. And also smoking hot in my cute little outfit with my toes nicely painted and the right amount of sun-kissed glow to my skin.

And lunch was fabulous. We went to Big Apple Bagels (which, looking back on things wasn't as grown-up and mature as I originally thought). The point is, he was funny and charming and I was cute and witty and we sat talking and laughing, me flirting in ridiculous proportions, long after we finished our food. Then I excused myself to go to the bathroom (because I've always had a small bladder).

And when I checked myself in the mirror I realized I had a ginormous-sized black seed stuck in between my teeth in probably the most obvious and unattractive location ever.

And I was horrified. Not because I had a seed stuck in my teeth. Hell, that happens to everyone. But because I just sat there for the past twenty minutes flashing said seed right in the face of someone who continually chose not to tell me. Needless to say, I never went out with him again, even though he drove a convertible. Because if a guy can't be upfront about something stuck in your teeth, how is he ever going to handle the big stuff?

Now, I know someone is going to say he probably just didn't know how to tell you and I call bullshit. Because most guys I know have absolutely no filter whatsoever and can enter a funeral luncheon full of your mourning family and yell out, "it smells like rotten feet in here!" Trust me; they know how to say there's something wrong with another person, they just don't know when or how to say it in a socially acceptable manner.

So, in an effort to help along my fellow man, I'm willing to share with you this little cheat sheet. (Feel free to take it out on all your dates.)

(A) Is it permanent? (i.e., giant mole, birthmark, scar, bald patch) If yes, keep your mouth shut. It's not like she can do anything about it anyway. You say something now, the poor girl is going to start crying hysterically and will tell all her friends. Thanks to today's social media, you'll be blacklisted from the female market in approximately 28.7 seconds from at least six different counties. If it's not permanent (i.e., long black chin hair, booger, eye crusties, something stuck in between teeth), then move to (B).

(B) Can something be done about it RIGHT NOW? If yes, go ahead and politely mention it. Say something quiet and to the side, like, I'm sorry, but you have something on your nose. Do not say: "OH GROSS! THAT'S FREAKING DISGUSTING! YOU'VE GOT THIS GIANT RUBBERY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OUT YOUR NOSE HOLE!"

However - and this is where it gets tricky - let's say it is something that can be easily remedied, however she doesn't have the tools to fix it right now. I'm thinking of that long black chin hair; what good is it to point it out moments before you go hiking with nary a tweezer for plucking? Just shut your pie hole until you get home. And then - and this is super important - pretend you just noticed it, just this very second. Do not tell the poor soul that you noticed three hours ago but knew she couldn't do anything about it, so you decided to be a swell guy and not say anything because you didn't want to upset her. Because you will upset her. Trust me. You'll come out looking like a schmuck. Because if you saw it, then surely someone else did, too, and you're the jerk who didn't say anything.

Follow this advice my friend, and you'll be okay. Unless you don't pay for lunch. Then you're just some cheap jerk that doesn't deserve a second date. (You ask her out on a date - you pay. When you start going out more often you can split the bill or she can treat you. But you never, ever ask a girl on a date and then not pay. I'll be covering those rules at a later date.)


Johi said...

Sage advice. You should write this stuff down. ;P

Phoenix Rising said...

@Johi: only if you illustrate!

Becca said...