Skip to main content

Attack of the Rabid Chamois!

I was just being my usual snarky self and updated my Facebook Status the other day after another incredulous meeting of the minds... one of our staff meetings where we discuss upcoming projects and then sit in stoic silence while getting belittled and abused by higher ups. I usually don't cry, because crying does not seem to present a I'm A Very Capable Professional image, but the meanness and curtness of some of the commentary can cut to the core. And so, I vented to my trustworthy friend, Facebook:

This day could be infinitely better if it was wrapped in bacon. Or if certain people were suddenly attacked by a pack of rabid chamois. And by chamois, I mean the goatlike antelope of mountainous regions of Europe, not the porous leather that is favored for its gentle, non-abrasive composition and absorption properties.


 
And then the heavens opened up and glory shone all around!

An illustrated facebook status?!  Huzzah!

How freaking awesome is that? My artistically witty friend sketched my status into a picture!
 
And it made me snort out loud. And laugh for a long time. And I haven't stopped. And I have it printed off and hung up by my desk. And I have shown every person who has come in to my office because it's that awesome.
 
And so this is my bestest idea ever. I'm going to have her illustrate a bunch of my status updates and then I'm going to put them together like some sort of mentally unstable Gary Larson calendar set.
 
Other possibilities from random status posts:
 
The toddler dumped half a bottle of baby powder all over the items in our grocery cart. The bananas now smell like baby butts.
 
Kind of wishing there was a Coco Puffs with a side of buttered toast drive-thru.

Just took the toddler with me to pick up a few items from Walgreens. The term "wrestling a greased pig" comes to mind....

I asked Big V, "if the government required you to learn a new skill, and gave you the time and money to learn it, what would you learn?" He thought about it, then answered, "Shuffleboard."

In preparation of today's epic snowstorm, I decided not to shave my legs. #extralayerofwarmth



I might have to call into work because I feel stabby. "Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help --" "DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU! "

At the Christmas program Big V kept pointing out the nativity giraffes to the toddler. Because his Jesus was born under the watchful eye of an 18' cud chewing mammal.

Best. Audience. Ever! I want to wrap them up and bring them to every performance. But I won't. Because I could get charged with kidnapping.



Creepy Cleaner Guy just stood next to me watching me brew a Keurig. Six inches next to me. Longest brew time ever.



Time to bust out the duct tape: something's gotta keep this kid's pajamas & diaper on for entire night... Mama's tired of peeking in and seeing nakedness and an untamed "sprinkler."



Entered purgatory. Also known as US Cellular. Or The Never Ending Waiting Room.



Just brushed my teeth with a tube of antifungal cream. No chance of athlete's foot on these gums!




My daughter told me she put my name on the prayer board at school. "Aw! That's so sweet! For what?" "For your celiac and hemmorhoids."



Want to feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Eat a squirrel.



Even more creepy than Uber Creepy Cleaning Guy? Silent Stealthy Judge Dude who I literally bumped into... like he couldn't see me bending down to get my can of soda off the bottom shelf of the fridge? Back off, Robe Man!



There is not nearly enough alcohol to drink in this house between now and bedtime. Who delivers?



"Yes? Hello? I have a dangerous tree. It's dropping acorns on my deck and I'm afraid I'm going to twist my ankle. It's a very dangerous situation." [love. my. job.]


A bed sharing class ought to be required before marriage.

You'd think locating a large metal kangaroo would be easier.

I'm totally thinking I can work a Hairless Cat into our office budget.

Tonight I'm going to Zumba and following up with a Pi-Yo class. Or else I might just eat this big bag of cheese puffs. I'll let you know...

The teen just informed me she can fit five Tic Tac's in her belly button...

I don't know what disturbs me more... J-Lo's voice or Marc's mustache.

Half hour early to a two hour long gymnastics practice and dude next to me smells like rotting armadillo.

I'm answering my office phone with a British accent so you think I have an assistant. Because all assistants have a British accent, right? Or was that assailants?


So, just feel free to start sketching away, Becca! I've been on Facebook for years so this is just a small sampling. There are plenty more! (You know, in case you were worried you'd run out of reasons to ignore your family and housekeeping duties.)

Comments

Rebecca said…
Wait - Am I on some sort of deadline here? Oh dear. I think I'd better find my good pencils. And my eraser. And my old sketching abilities.
Anonymous said…
Love the untamed sprinkler, squirrel and bed sharing ones. If I could draw, I'd get to it for you.
Getrealmommy said…
I want to be your FB friend!!
Becca said…
So freaking awesome. "mentally unstable Gary Larson calendar" made me snort. Hilarious. It's good to have an outlet, though, seriously.
Have you read the book "Shit my Dad says"? Cuz, I think you two might have something here.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…