Thursday, April 5, 2012

I'm Pretty Sure I Was Punk'd, But I'm Still Waiting For The Camera Crew For Confirmation

She walked in briskly, elegantly swiping her sunglasses off her face... I would have surely caught myself in the nostril.... "I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. My husband sent me here to get a copy of our home inspection."

I felt instantly frumpy. Me in my oversized cardigan because the office temperature is impossible to regulate and well worn loafers; her in skinny jeans and expensive Coach Marlena boots. I sucked in my gut. Well, we don't really do home inspections, but we do have files for any building projects you may have done. Are you maybe looking for inspection reports from a remodel job?

"Those look delicious."

Excuse me?

*points to desk at oversized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that I've been mowing down occasionally munching on*  "I'm dieting. Everything looks delicious when I'm dieting."

Oh. *awkward laugh while I suck in gut further* So, let's pull the file and see what's there.

"I don't want to waste your time - I'll call my husband. He'll know what I need."

And so I pull the file while she makes the call:
"Hi, it's Carol. Can I talk to Bob? ... Oh. He got paged to the hospital? .... That's right, I forgot he was on call for Roukus. Just tell him to call me."

I put the file on the table while she dials another number:
"Hi, it's Carol. I'm trying to get a hold of Bob. ... ICU? .... Well, of course they crash when he's on call. Just have him call me as soon as he can."

I open the file and start sorting through the paperwork and she dials another number:
"Hi, it's Carol. I guess Bob's in ICU; one of Roukus's patients is crashing - can you get him for me? I really need to talk to him. It's important."

I stare at her, mouth gaping open. Uh, I can just get copies of this and you can take it with you, it's no big deal....

"No, I don't want to waste your time. He said we needed something for the addition we want to put on; I want to adopt another baby, he wants a guest room. We already have five." (I wasn't sure if she meant five babies or bedrooms.)

Really, it's no big deal - (STOP DIALING THE FREAKING NUMBERS!)

"Hold on - it's Bob."..... and she puts him on speaker phone..... "Hi, honey! I'm here in Bridget's office --" (good lord, don't use my name! He has no idea who I am - besides, he's saving a life, I'm sucking engineered flavoring off my finger tips, what is wrong with you?!) " --- and I don't want to waste her time, what paperwo ---"

and this would be where Bob interjects with something that sounds awfully angry and along the lines of I'm at the hospital with --- and then she cuts him off impatiently with "I know, one of the patient's is crashing, this will just take a sec, I don't want to waste this poor woman's time."

But then I jumped in and said really loudly "I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A COPY OF THE WHOLE FILE, IT'S FINE! and she said, "did you hear that honey? She said she could give us a copy of the whole file" and then he snapped an angry that's fine and hung up.

Can you say awkward?

And also oh my god, when a doctor rushes out of the room I always assumed it was for something actually important.... like life saving treatment important, not let that frumpy girl get back to her bag of chips important. 


Becca said...

Woah. Attention seeking maybe? From both you (passive aggressive dieting comment, multiple doctor husband keywords injected into conversation) and the husband?

I want some Doritos.

Johi said...

I think she needs a friend. A Dorito sharing friend.