Skip to main content

I'm Pretty Sure I Was Punk'd, But I'm Still Waiting For The Camera Crew For Confirmation

She walked in briskly, elegantly swiping her sunglasses off her face... I would have surely caught myself in the nostril.... "I'm not sure if I'm in the right place. My husband sent me here to get a copy of our home inspection."

I felt instantly frumpy. Me in my oversized cardigan because the office temperature is impossible to regulate and well worn loafers; her in skinny jeans and expensive Coach Marlena boots. I sucked in my gut. Well, we don't really do home inspections, but we do have files for any building projects you may have done. Are you maybe looking for inspection reports from a remodel job?

"Those look delicious."

Excuse me?

*points to desk at oversized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that I've been mowing down occasionally munching on*  "I'm dieting. Everything looks delicious when I'm dieting."

Oh. *awkward laugh while I suck in gut further* So, let's pull the file and see what's there.

"I don't want to waste your time - I'll call my husband. He'll know what I need."

And so I pull the file while she makes the call:
"Hi, it's Carol. Can I talk to Bob? ... Oh. He got paged to the hospital? .... That's right, I forgot he was on call for Roukus. Just tell him to call me."

I put the file on the table while she dials another number:
"Hi, it's Carol. I'm trying to get a hold of Bob. ... ICU? .... Well, of course they crash when he's on call. Just have him call me as soon as he can."

I open the file and start sorting through the paperwork and she dials another number:
"Hi, it's Carol. I guess Bob's in ICU; one of Roukus's patients is crashing - can you get him for me? I really need to talk to him. It's important."

I stare at her, mouth gaping open. Uh, I can just get copies of this and you can take it with you, it's no big deal....

"No, I don't want to waste your time. He said we needed something for the addition we want to put on; I want to adopt another baby, he wants a guest room. We already have five." (I wasn't sure if she meant five babies or bedrooms.)

Really, it's no big deal - (STOP DIALING THE FREAKING NUMBERS!)

"Hold on - it's Bob."..... and she puts him on speaker phone..... "Hi, honey! I'm here in Bridget's office --" (good lord, don't use my name! He has no idea who I am - besides, he's saving a life, I'm sucking engineered flavoring off my finger tips, what is wrong with you?!) " --- and I don't want to waste her time, what paperwo ---"

and this would be where Bob interjects with something that sounds awfully angry and along the lines of I'm at the hospital with --- and then she cuts him off impatiently with "I know, one of the patient's is crashing, this will just take a sec, I don't want to waste this poor woman's time."

But then I jumped in and said really loudly "I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A COPY OF THE WHOLE FILE, IT'S FINE! and she said, "did you hear that honey? She said she could give us a copy of the whole file" and then he snapped an angry that's fine and hung up.

Can you say awkward?

And also oh my god, when a doctor rushes out of the room I always assumed it was for something actually important.... like life saving treatment important, not let that frumpy girl get back to her bag of chips important. 


Becca said…
Woah. Attention seeking maybe? From both you (passive aggressive dieting comment, multiple doctor husband keywords injected into conversation) and the husband?

I want some Doritos.
Johi said…
I think she needs a friend. A Dorito sharing friend.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…