Skip to main content

And THIS Would Be Why It's Important To Complete Your Homework

I remember Big V laughing - one of those real, deep, rowdy laughs - when he told me about how his mother did his homework for him. I remember tilting my head to the side (which happens to be the international sign for do you seriously think this will impress me?) and squinting my eyes (mostly because I have this awful habit of squinting my eyes so it looks like I'm pissed off all. the. time., but also because my contacts were about 3 months past their daily wash & wear expiration date).

"I'm sorry, did you just say your mom did your homework?"

"Yeah, well it's not like I had a lot...."

Thus the introduction to the amazing childhood of the Big V began. He played sports! He was great at sports! He could catch a football! He could dribble a basketball! And he could probably do many more sports-like activity with amazing skill and accuracy but since I could care less about anything that involves people hurling objects at another human being I really didn't listen!

But I did listen to the parts that involved hiding cans of beer in the ceiling tile of the boys' bathroom to be shot gunned throughout the school day and the fact that his one and only responsibility growing up was to be the best damn sports player ever to grace the halls of some off the map high school that averaged an annual enrollment of 150 students for all four grades combined.

But he was the best. (Actually, I don't have any actual documentation to back this up, it's just what he told me.)

Now, let's fast forward what feels like a gazillion years and there's Big V - who treats work like football practice, always giving 110% every second that he's there, who is completely loyal to the team (even if his boss is jacking him around in the Providing Legal Benefits department) and who also comes home just like he did in high school: dropping his crap at the door and plopping down on the couch waiting to be waited on.

(And if you think I'm kidding, there is currently a pair of work pants crumpled up in the middle of an otherwise clean and orderly entry way. Who loses their pants three seconds after they come in the door?)

So, there sits Big V, filling out necessary paperwork that he thought-assumed-hoped I would have already completed for him. But he doesn't realize that I grew up with a much different approach to life called God gave you arms and legs for a reason, now get off your lazy ass and get this shit done. Ain't nobody gonna do it for you; you can sit and stare at it all you want, it ain't going away. Or something to that effect.

"Hey!" he called from the table, where he'd been sitting the past twenty minutes, staring at the paperwork wondering why it wasn't magically filled in.
"I'm not doing it for you!" I called back from my comfy chair.

"I'm not asking you to!"

"Good! Because I won't!"

"Fine. I just have a question."

"What?"

"It says, 'have you ever been bonded?' What should I put?"

"Well, have you ever been bonded?"

"No."

"Then I'd go with that."

***

A few minutes later:

"Hey!"

"I'm not doing it for you!"
"I'm not asking you to!"

"Good! Because I won't!"

"Fine. I just have a question."

"What?"

"It says, 'have you ever plead guilty to a crime?' What should I put?"

"Seriously?! You don't know if you've ever plead guilty to a crime?! Well, at least I don't have to worry about you doing Cletus's homework for him just so he can be eligible to play football."

It's a damn good thing he's good looking.

Comments

Libby said…
omg, it's like you're in my life. except 3 seconds through the door is the middle of my living room so that's where the pants are
Becca said…
OMG I love everything about this. My husband takes his clothes off in the living room at night so he doesn't wake me up. Every morning there's a pile of clothes on the living room floor like he's been raptured up or something.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…