Friday, October 29, 2010


I have really bad allergies. Now. I never used to. I used to just see people with really bad allergies and I'd think that is so gross; why are they always sniffling? Why do they always look glassy eyed and high? Why are they always clucking in the back of their throat? They keep saying their throat itches -- I bet they're on drugs. They've got to be on drugs! Druggie!

Believe it or not, I've never used drugs - smoked pot, hit the hippie lettuce, smoked a spliff, cued the cannibis - I just assumed that if you did that sort of thing your throat would itch. I didn't know that pollen in the air could create that kind of havoc.

See, I judged those people. I saw those allergy-ridden icky people gasping for breath in-between sneezing fits thought not-so-nice things and God saw me and said, "Now, that's not nice to judge people. I think you need to learn compassion. Therefore, after the birth of your second child, I shall deliver to you allergies." And just like that, I was allergic.

It got so bad I had one of those "tests" done to see what I was allergic to. "Test" meaning "get stabbed by a thousand little needles that will give you hives." Turns out I'm allergic to the world and everything in it. And so I had to have more shots. Lots of them. Several times a week. In the hopes that the magic shots would clear up the allergies. And sometimes they hurt. A lot. There were two nurses that administered the allergy shots: one good nurse and one evil nurse. I'll let you decide who gave the better shots of the two. Anyway, I tried not to cry too much because I felt really embarrassed wiping my tears while the 6-yr old next to me tried to comfort me, telling me it would be okay and that I'd get a sticker at the end. Determined not to be one of those sneezing, sniffling, glassy-eyed people, I manned up and took the shots like I was supposed to.

My allergies were in check for awhile, but then I had my third child and now they're all wonky again. Damn hormones. Either that or global warming is totally doing a number on my system. Since I don't have a prescription anymore (what with being cured by the shot regimen and all) I simply pick up a box of my favorite Benadryl from time to time. Except Walgreen's hates me now and no longer carries my favored box. Also, Piggly Wiggly hates me. And so does ShopKo. And I can't seem to find a compatible replacement. The one I got yesterday completely removes all traces of fluid in my body. Sure, it cleared everything up in my nasal cavity, but now I have no saliva in which to attempt to speak, my eyeballs are so brittle they're about to break and my urine comes out in dust form. If I happen to hack off my arm with the office paper cutter I'm not sure I'd bleed. Which would be good in terms of clean-up I guess but freaky nonetheless. At least I'm not sniffling.

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