Friday, May 7, 2010

Purlpe Pain

At work, as in life, one should find joy in the simple things. Like writing with purple pens.

It started innocently enough. We have this insufficient database that we totally overpaid for and it basically is as effective as vacuuming your living room carpet without the hose-sucker-upper-thing connected. Anyway, last year I jotted my important info the inefficient database spits out at me in red ink on all my reports. This year I thought I'd jazz things up a bit by using purple ink. The purple makes me happy. Distracts me. "I hate this stupid program, it doesn't even work right - hey, Purple Pen! I missed you! You're so pretty..." I even purchased three identical pens, thinking what would happen if I ran out of ink in June and they discontinued my pen of choice? See, I was thinking ahead.

What I didn't think ahead about is what would happen if my purple ink plan caught on. Like, what if someone I didn't necessarily care to be associated with liked my purple pen and went out and bought one just like it, so they, too, could write in purple. And now we're like some sort of sorority sisters where purple is our identifying gang -- ... er, uh, club color. I'm way too antisocial for the "oh, how cute. You both use purple pens" commentary. Next thing you know we'll be wearing matching outfits and swapping handmade gifts. A purple bulletin board for you, and a vase with a purple ribbon for me! Yippee! I'm so excited I could just squeal myself to death!

I don't want to be President of the Purple Pen People. I want to be the sole member. I can't kick this person out. I mean, let's be honest, I'm a little old for the "I had it first" argument. (But I really did have mine first! Copy catter.)

Do I switch colors mid-year? I'm too OCD for that. I can't just switch colors mid-year. I'll hyperventilate. I'll have to start breathing in brown paper bags every time I reach for a green pen knowing the other reports are inked in a different color. I wouldn't make it more than three weeks tops.

This is seriously bad for my health. I think I might need to take some time off; a sort of medical sabbatical. A mental health extended vacation. I wonder where the Request For Leave forms are kept... I'll fill it out in purple...

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