Tuesday, February 7, 2012

We All Do Better When We Work Together

The last company I worked for were completely those Rah! Rah! Go Team! kind of companies. There were employee appreciation lunches, contests designed to spice up the workplace with fun and a lot of thank you for your hard work heartfelt thanks from the Higher Ups. The genuine feeling was our employees come first; if we treat them right, they'll work hard, pump out tons of awesome work and our company will flourish. If they kept our morale up, we wouldn't notice they were driving Escalades while we were rocking the hand-me-down Cutlass Supremes from our parents.

Not so much where I work now. There's a lot of backstabbing and finger pointing and blame and disrespect and an overall climate of who's getting shoved in front of the bus next. The only thing we do as a team is watch each other with an air of distrust and suspicion. I've never heard a thank you from a Higher Up, other than a sarcastic one, or the goaded version: of course you're appreciated but I still think you suck.

Personally, I liked my former company's philosophy better.

That's why I think it would be a swell idea to do a Team Building Exercise. And by that I mean compete in the local gentleman's club Pole Dancing Contest because the winner gets 750 bucks.

There are five of us in the office; 3 girls and 2 guys. Obviously, we'll need a girl for the pole. And I pick not me. Mostly because I'm not that flexible but also because I get dizzy pretty easy and from what I've seen on late night Showtime there's an awful lot of upside down, whipping your head back & forth and side to side action going on. I think it's safe to say that puking in the laps of a bunch of drunken horny perverts is not going to clinch the $750 prize.

So, I figure we'll need at least two bases to heft the Pole Girl up because, let's be honest, the most strenuous physical activity any of us do in the office is raise our cup of coffee. There's no way any of us can haul our own body weight up and hold it in an attractive position.

If we have two Bases and one Pole Girl, that leaves two of us to help manipulate body parts and spin Pole Girl around. Spinning is very important when pole dancing because drunk people like to be amazed. The easiest way to amaze them is by quick movement. Did you see how fast she moved? She was awesome! Shoot, a girl sneezing would be awesome if she were naked. Did you see how fast that snot flew out? I think I'm in love.

Of course, we'll need costumes. I'm opting for one of those large oversized t-shirts that have the sexy body screen printed on it....

I'm sexy and I know it.

Also, I might have to invest in legwarmers because I get cold easy and ain't nobody going to be checking out my ankles.

Experts say that by being forced to work together as a team people will learn to trust each other. I was in the military and we did all sorts of things like that. Once we climbed this super tall tower and you basically just had to pray to God that the people reaching their hand down to you would continue holding on as you were left dangling over the edge, ready to drop to your death at any moment. I wouldn't say that particular exercise made me trust anyone better, but it sure taught me to make sure my hands are dry at all times.

More than anything I'm thinking about what we could do with 750 bones to help build morale in the office. We could host a paid lunch for the employees once a month for an entire year. Or longer if we settled for Subway Party subs and those $5.00 Monday Only Special pizzas.

Or we could just save the money and use it to buy envelopes and letter head in November. Because we always run out towards the end of the year, usually around the same time it's noticed that we're over budget, and so a No Mailing or Letter Writing rule gets issued. (You'd be amazed at the amount of correspondence that doesn't get printed or sent until January. And how crabby it makes people when they can't print anything because there's no paper.)

Either way, I say it'd be a huge improvement if we can work together for the big win.