Blogger's Index: A Numerical Explanation

Number of homes I lived in as a child: 2

Age when I first got glasses: 10

Number of times I have almost seriously drowned: 3

Number of times I have been washed off to sea: 1

Number of times I have been bitten by a horse: 3

Number of times I have had braces: 0

Age I first moved out on my own: 17

Number of places I’ve lived in the past 21 years (not inluding moving back home with the parents): 13

Number of times I moved back with my parents: 2, +/- 10

Longest number of years, as an adult, spent living in the same house without moving: 5

Percentage of time in any given day I think about moving to a different house: 36

Number of military branches I served in: 1

Number of guys I dated named Tommy: 3

Number of times I have consumed mussels: 1

Chances I’ll ever eat mussels again: 0

Number of jobs held in the telemarketing field: 1

Approximate number of days spent on that job in the telemarketing field: 6

Chances I’ll ever take a job in the telemarketing field again: 0

Number of people I’m related to who are prohibited from entering a foreign country: 1

Number of times I have successfully opened a box of rice by the “push here then pull back” instructions: 0

Number of abusive babysitters I’d like to hunt down and stab in the chest with a pitchfork: 1

Years since I completely blew off my scheduled audition with the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Manhattan: 21

Number of times I spontaneously drove to the airport and purchased a ticket for “the next flight that lands in LaGuardia”: 2

Number of times I swam in germ infested flood water: 1

Number of times I got drunk and threw up on Brendan Fahey’s shoes: 1

Number of times I found out I was completely wrong about what I thought my grandfather’s name was: 1

Number of sisters who also thought my grandfather’s name was the one I thought it was and therefore also found out she was completely wrong about what she thought our grandfather’s name was: 1

Number of hours since we found out my grandfather had a different name than we thought he had: 16

Number of moles on my face which I absolutely despise: 14

Approximate number of times I have made hard boiled eggs without looking up how to make them first: 1

Approximate number of times I have called my mother to ask her how to make hard boiled eggs: 14

Number of times I lied about who I was to get backstage access to a concert: 1

Number of times I walked out on dates without actually notifying them I was leaving thereby leaving them to sit waiting for me to return (of which I cannot forgive my appalling, selfish behavior): 2

Number of times I dove off a pier in the middle of the night wearing nothing but a lime green thong: 1

Chances I’ll ever wear anything in public again that shows more than my knee caps: 0

Average number of times in any given month I’m called by the wrong name by fellow co-workers and/or customers, thus reassuring me none of my racy past will ever catch up with me: 6

Amount of money I plan to save in a 12-month period: $10,000

Amount of money currently saved: $752.86

Months left to reach $10,000 savings goal I set for myself: 3

Probability of actually reaching the $10,000 savings goal in 3 months: 0

Percentage of my brain screaming “call the police! This scuzzy guy is about to murder you!” while sitting in the back of an ambulance with Ted Nugent: 112

Number of times I was hugged by Ted Nugent: 2

Realization of who Ted Nugent actually was: 0

Number of books I read on average each year: 30

Number of times I’ve said I wanted to get paid for writing: 687,371

Number of times I’ve actually submitted my writing for paid consideration: 0

Probability of actually getting paid to write if I never submit anything: 0

Number of times I contacted the police to report a dead body on the side of the road: 1

Likelihood I will tell you I have the best life stories ever (in percent): 100