Friday, February 24, 2012

Blogger's Index: A Numerical Explanation

Number of homes I lived in as a child: 2

Age when I first got glasses: 10

Number of times I have almost seriously drowned: 3

Number of times I have been washed off to sea: 1

Number of times I have been bitten by a horse: 3

Number of times I have had braces: 0

Age I first moved out on my own: 17

Number of places I’ve lived in the past 21 years (not inluding moving back home with the parents): 13

Number of times I moved back with my parents: 2, +/- 10

Longest number of years, as an adult, spent living in the same house without moving: 5

Percentage of time in any given day I think about moving to a different house: 36

Number of military branches I served in: 1

Number of guys I dated named Tommy: 3

Number of times I have consumed mussels: 1

Chances I’ll ever eat mussels again: 0

Number of jobs held in the telemarketing field: 1

Approximate number of days spent on that job in the telemarketing field: 6

Chances I’ll ever take a job in the telemarketing field again: 0

Number of people I’m related to who are prohibited from entering a foreign country: 1

Number of times I have successfully opened a box of rice by the “push here then pull back” instructions: 0

Number of abusive babysitters I’d like to hunt down and stab in the chest with a pitchfork: 1

Years since I completely blew off my scheduled audition with the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in Manhattan: 21

Number of times I spontaneously drove to the airport and purchased a ticket for “the next flight that lands in LaGuardia”: 2

Number of times I swam in germ infested flood water: 1

Number of times I got drunk and threw up on Brendan Fahey’s shoes: 1

Number of times I found out I was completely wrong about what I thought my grandfather’s name was: 1

Number of sisters who also thought my grandfather’s name was the one I thought it was and therefore also found out she was completely wrong about what she thought our grandfather’s name was: 1

Number of hours since we found out my grandfather had a different name than we thought he had: 16

Number of moles on my face which I absolutely despise: 14

Approximate number of times I have made hard boiled eggs without looking up how to make them first: 1

Approximate number of times I have called my mother to ask her how to make hard boiled eggs: 14

Number of times I lied about who I was to get backstage access to a concert: 1

Number of times I walked out on dates without actually notifying them I was leaving thereby leaving them to sit waiting for me to return (of which I cannot forgive my appalling, selfish behavior): 2

Number of times I dove off a pier in the middle of the night wearing nothing but a lime green thong: 1

Chances I’ll ever wear anything in public again that shows more than my knee caps: 0

Average number of times in any given month I’m called by the wrong name by fellow co-workers and/or customers, thus reassuring me none of my racy past will ever catch up with me: 6

Amount of money I plan to save in a 12-month period: $10,000

Amount of money currently saved: $752.86

Months left to reach $10,000 savings goal I set for myself: 3

Probability of actually reaching the $10,000 savings goal in 3 months: 0

Percentage of my brain screaming “call the police! This scuzzy guy is about to murder you!” while sitting in the back of an ambulance with Ted Nugent: 112

Number of times I was hugged by Ted Nugent: 2

Realization of who Ted Nugent actually was: 0

Number of books I read on average each year: 30

Number of times I’ve said I wanted to get paid for writing: 687,371

Number of times I’ve actually submitted my writing for paid consideration: 0

Probability of actually getting paid to write if I never submit anything: 0

Number of times I contacted the police to report a dead body on the side of the road: 1

Likelihood I will tell you I have the best life stories ever (in percent): 100


Chiconky said...

So, so many questions. Like why in the hell would you ever think mussels would taste good?

Judson and Sara Luke said...

TED NUGENT!?!?!?!? Spill the details, dude.