Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Supervising Santa

I suppose the reason Santa Claus hates parents so much (and therefore is committed to making our lives complicated and miserable) is because he couldn't have kids of his own. And then Mrs. Claus was all why don't we just take some elves in; they're cute and small - they'll be our forever children. And Santa probably agreed because he assumed if he threw Mrs. Claus an elf or two, Mrs. Claus would throw a bone back at the big guy, if you catch my drift. Everyone knows infertility struggles can cause a tremendous uh, dry spell, between couples and he probably figured if she were happy then he'd be happy.

But then, like some kind of out of control kitten hoarder, Mrs. Claus couldn't stop at just one elf. Or two. Oh, no - she needed hundreds! Thousands, even! And Santa was all what the hell am I supposed to do with all these elves? And Mrs. Claus was all I have a splendid idea! You can take them out to your workshop and they can help you! 

Well, as a parent you know what it's like spending a few hours with a whining midget. No fun at all. And here was Santa, surrounded by scores of them. It was like the preschool that never ends. Day in. Day out. Why do I have to make the jack-in-the-boxes? I always have to make the jack-in-the-boxes. And that's my hammer! HEY! Tony took my hammmmeeerrrrrrrr! And what a stupid waste of time mounting fake singing trout on a piece of wood. They look dumb. No one's going to want them.

Any normal person would lose their flipping mind listening to that nonsense. But Santa knows better. If he loses his mind, Mrs. Claus leaves him and then who's going to want to hook up with an overweight geezer who only goes out once a year? Besides, Mrs. Claus feeds him pretty dang well and always has his clothes washed and ready to go. Plus she's putting out twice a week because she's inside the warm house by herself all day humming holiday music and whipping up batches of gingerbread and hot cocoa. Santa isn't ruining that for nothing.
So he takes his anger and frustrations out on us. The parents. The ones that can have children and lead a (in his mind only) normal life.

He's jealous.

And so he messes with us.

"I come in through the chimney," he explains to a frightened kid who's now paranoid that Santa is going to skip his house because we don't have a freaking chimney, Mom!

"Oh, well, he can also come through our front door."

Which leads to but how can he if the door is locked, Mom!

"Oh, I'll unlock it after you go to bed."

Which leads to but you told Dad that we always have to lock the doors ever since the creepy college kid next door got drunk and accidently walked into Mrs. McKloskey's house and peed in her desk drawer thinking it was a toilet!

"Well, I'll just hide a key outside."

Which leads to but how will Santa know where you hid it?

"Well, I'll just write him a letter explaining where it is."

Which leads to but Christmas is only two days away! There's no way he'll get the letter in time!

"I'll send him an email? Okay? Is that good enough for you? I'll send Santa an email and I'll tell him where the key is hidden and I'll also tell him how you badgered me for twenty minutes about how could he possibly get into our house since we don't have a chimney and he'll probably be really disappointed in the fact that you're trying to ruin the magic of Christmas. Will that satisfy you? An email? Good. Can we move on to other things now? Like the fact that your shoes are still sitting in the middle of the living room floor? Bet Santa won't like that either, will he?"

And then there's the whole why does Santa wrap our presents but at Susie's house the presents aren't wrapped and they can just play with the presents when they get up?

"Because at our house, Santa Gifts are the best ones and we save the best for last! If you opened the Santa Gifts up first you'll be incredibly let down by the packages of socks and underwear you'll be getting from Mom and Dad. This way, if you wait until all the other presents are opened, you'll end on a happy note."

And also the I told the class that I can't wait to wake up early and find my stocking that Santa hid but Santa doesn't hide any of their stockings. Why would Santa hide our stockings and not theirs?

"Because those parents are early risers so they don't mind jumping right into the action but Santa likes to help out the parents who don't like getting up at godforsaken times before the sun actually emerges and so he does this thing where he hides the stockings and that way when kids get up ridiculously early they can quietly hunt for their stockings while making sure not to wake up their Moms and Dads. And then when ALL the stockings are found, then - and only then - can you go to your parent's bedroom door and wake them up." (And if Santa happens to hide one of those loot filled socks under Mommy's pillow stretching the actual search time into several hours that's okay, too.)

And might I suggest that if Santa does in fact leave wrapped gifts under your tree you might ask him to please leave the remainder of the wrapping paper roll, should there be any left and you happen to be the last stop of the night, that way it won't get wasted? And then you might be able to use that exact same wrapping paper the following year without scrutiny? Yes, that's an excellent idea. Trust me.