Monday, November 7, 2011

Planning for the Future

I just realized if I go blind I'm totally screwed because I don't trust dogs. Or monkeys. And there just aren't a whole lot of helpful seeing eye cats available. I once heard about someone using a miniature pony to help them get around but we all know how I feel about horse teeth. That is so not happening.

I'd rather go deaf. Mostly because I am experienced at exaggerated facial expressions which makes me confident that I could still get my various points across. Also, my primary form of communication happens to be Facebook and ridiculously lengthy text messages so that wouldn't change a bit. And everyone knows I don't talk to people out in public because I'm freakishly convinced of Stranger Danger to the they're-going-to-duct-tape-me-and-hide-me-in-the-trunk-of-their-car degree.

Not to mention, with the amount of whining and complaining that goes on in my house, a little bit of peace and quiet would be well deserved. But that got me thinking:

If I do go deaf, how long will I be able to sustain the (usually foreign accented) voices that conversate in my head? Do I have enough years of listening and talking to keep that going? Or will the sound I hear in the silence of my mind eventually be, well, silenced?

Because I think I could keep myself entertained pretty well if it was just me listening to the nonsense I come up with. Either that or I need to hurry up and get all this nonsense written down before I lose access to it.

On a completely separate note, if I end up in a nursing home when I'm old, unable to communicate, please do not let anyone put a dog on my lap. I won't mind them if they stay standing on the floor while I'm in my wheelchair but I promise to lose my mind (and probably all bladder control) if you put that thing in my lap. You never know when they're going to turn on you and rip your face off. Don't judge me; it's my irrational fear, not yours. Also, respect the elderly.

Cats are okay. Especially gray cats. Or grey cats. I've never really understood what the difference between gray and grey is and I'm far too lazy to google it. Someone find out and let me know if it's interesting.

But no birds. At all. Absolutely no birds around me ever. Not even in a cage in the building.  I swear, you watch one Alfred Hitchcock movie and live the rest of your life completely freaked at the possibility of avian violence.

3 comments:

Tina, said...

Gray with an 'A' is the American version of the word. Grey with an 'E' is the British version of the word. After the American Revolution it is written in the Post War Treaty that American's could no longer use the word Grey with an 'E', so we were forced to adapt the word Gray using the 'A'.

Part of that is true, but I'm not telling you what part is and what part isn't.


wv: deougat

HeatherB said...

Gray - American spelling
Grey - English spelling

Meh.

So I was reading this thinking that you may just be the funniest craziest person that I have ever heard of until you got to birds.

It is true. The birds will freaking get you. I will never have a bird. I don't even like birds in the wild.

Once, my dad used to feed the birds bread everyday after lunch. One day, he forget and they attacked/committed suicide on the side of our house AT THE EXACT TIME.

He totally killed those birds. Until my brother tried to bring one in the house because it was still breathing and then I freaked the eff out because WHY WOULD YOU EVER BRING A BIRD IN THE HOUSE.

Then I made him watch the movie.

Now he hates birds.

Crystal said...

LOL!! Ok first of all...I contemplate what I would do with undivided time with the voices in my head too. I would most assuredly go insane! I'm pretty sure by the time I'm old I'll be wheel-chair-nursing-home-bound...hubby promised he'd still love me even through the blubbery crazy he knows I'm going to become! And I am NOT an animal lover either...if you want to see me lose my sh** render me immobile with a room full of animals!!