Skip to main content


Showing posts from January 24, 2010

Not as Simple as it Seems

When I get in my car I have a habit of always reaching around into the back seat to check for murderers (especially at night). I get in, start the engine, back up and do a blind sweep of that area of the back seat where creepy men can squish up and hide. Every so often I think, "Hmmm, now what would I do if there really was a creepy axe murderer guy back there and he grabbed my arm. I'd be so screwed. He'd have my right arm - which is definitely my strong arm, but my left arm would be free, so I could steer with my knees while grabbing for the phone with my left, all the while tugging/fighting with creepy guy. Which reminds me, I should really keep my phone in the center cup holder. There is no way I could get a phone out of my purse with my left arm. I wouldn't be able to reach that far. Well, I could if I twisted more towards the passenger seat, but then I'd probably veer off the road because I wouldn't be able to steer properly with my knees if I was all tw…

Good News Sharing

"Oh. My. God! Mom! Do you want to hear some really good news?"

Here's where most mommies vying for Mother of the Year turn towards their precious little one, put their caring mommy hands on their child's shoulders, bend over to look directly in their eyes and, in their most excited mommy voices, say, "Yes! Yes, I really do want to hear the good news you are about to share with me. By the way, I feel so privileged and honored that you'd share this good news with me! Do continue."

I, however, answered more like this: "Seriously, Bean? Seriously? I'm IN THE BATHROOM! I have not peed BY MYSELF ONCE in the past FORTEEN YEARS. See that door? I closed it for a reason. I don't want you barging in here unless there's multiple gallons of blood shooting from your body or Cletus has stopped breathing and is turning blue. Now GET OUT!"

And then I was all feeling like well, that was a big mistake, so I yelled "Get back here and bring me so…

The One In Which I Sound Like A Whiney Spoiled American

Isn't there one job out there that I'd be perfect for? You know, "Snarky Columnist Wanted: write about whatever you want. Compensation: Tell us what your bills are and we'll actually pay you more than that so you can have this thing called a Savings Account (they were big in the 80's). Astronomically Awesome Health Insurance is provided free of charge. Apply within."

The One In Which My Child Makes Me Look Like A Fantastic Parent

Dotter has a soft heart. And I'm sure it's entirely due to my parenting skills.

The first evidence of this was when she came running into the living room where I was feeding Cletus. She was sobbing. Tears streaming down her innocent little cheeks, barely able to catch the breath, arms flinging around my neck, squeezing tightly....

"What? What happened? Dotter? What's wrong?"

"Juliet and Justin broke up!"

"What?" (Which was code for: What the heck are you talking about, you freaky little 8-year old.)

"Justin was trying to save Juliet and he couldn't and she didn't get the blood and then she turned old - and her face was so old! - because she's over two thousand years old - and now she Broke. Up. With. Justin!"

It took awhile, but I concluded Justin from Wizards of Waverly Place had been dating a vampire named Juliet. And, while she is over 2,000 years old, that's very young for a vampire. Anyway, when she drinks blood…