Tweet "Oh. My. God! Mom! Do you want to hear some really good news?"
Here's where most mommies vying for Mother of the Year turn towards their precious little one, put their caring mommy hands on their child's shoulders, bend over to look directly in their eyes and, in their most excited mommy voices, say, "Yes! Yes, I really do want to hear the good news you are about to share with me. By the way, I feel so privileged and honored that you'd share this good news with me! Do continue."
I, however, answered more like this: "Seriously, Bean? Seriously? I'm IN THE BATHROOM! I have not peed BY MYSELF ONCE in the past FORTEEN YEARS. See that door? I closed it for a reason. I don't want you barging in here unless there's multiple gallons of blood shooting from your body or Cletus has stopped breathing and is turning blue. Now GET OUT!"
And then I was all feeling like well, that was a big mistake, so I yelled "Get back here and bring me some toilet paper!"
Since she did bring me the toilet paper I thought it only right that I listen to her good news.
"Well," she started excitedly. "We did a buns and thighs workout at school today and it was really hard. But, here - feel my buns. Feel my rock hard glutes..." and she actually positioned herself in such a way that the right bun was precariously close to my face which really had no place to go since I was still stranded on the toilet and I had no choice at all but to poke it. I poked her bun. And all I kept thinking was, "there is not one stupid parenting magazine anywhere in the world that details what the appropriate response to this situation is. How the hell am I ever going to win that stupid award?"