Skip to main content

WARNING: Not for the faint of heart. Or boys.

When I was growing up in the hellish halls of teen angst otherwise known as High School, I knew girls whose parents allowed them to stay home when they had their period. (Don't look at me like that - I warned you in the post title.) As in, spend the day on the couch enjoying the comforts of a hot water bottle and some Tylenol while watching Days of Our Lives. Followed by General Hospital. Which was on right before Donahue. When they came back to school they had a note relieving them from participating from gym class. What was wrong with these parents, buying into this obvious nonsense?

You know what I thought? FAKERS. Every. single. one. I had my period, too. It took three days from start to finish and I used maybe 5 tampons.

I never understood the whispers of the girls' voices from under the bathroom stall, "Oh my gawd! I can't believe I just got my period! Do you have a tampon? I don't have anything!" What do you mean you don't have anything? Are you seriously that cheap that you have to bum feminine products from your classmates? Of course you knew it was coming. It comes every 28 days. Mark it on a calendar! Also, I always got this pain in my leg the day before, so I always knew mine was coming. What was wrong with these girls?

I never cancelled plans, or stopped running, or bailed out of gym class, or stayed balled up on the couch - Fakers.

Until, ohmygoodnesswhathavetheseHORMONESdonetome? Was it the birth of Cletus? Is  this menopause? Am I dying? Seriously, I must be dying.

Since Cletus has arrived Aunt Flo has been quite spontaneous at her arrival dates and times, and never with any warning. None. And so now I see (literally) how it's possible for that poor girl to have walked down the halls with that huge stain and I am so sorry I ever thought you were gross.

Did you know there's a standard business size tampon called Ultra? Yes. Ultra. Whatever happened to the reliability of Regular? And my trusted Lite? When the heck did I achieve Ultra status? And why?

And what's with these cramps? I don't know about you girls but I feel like I'm having contractions. Honest to God, the baby is coming, get me to the hospital because I'm going to have to push, contractions. I've given birth to three children and I'll take real labor pains any day. This is insane. I'm chowing down Midol and Pamprin like their jelly beans and they aren't helping.

In case I die, which I feel is a very real possibility, I would like to apologize to all those girls I judged so many years ago. I'm sorry I called you Fakers. I'm sorry I thought you were being coddled and spoiled because you were exaggerating. I'm sorry I doubted you. Most of all, I'm sorry you had to go through so many years of this. It's horrible and I can't believe you endured it month after horrendous month.

And if my girls need a note you can bet I'm writing one!

Comments

You know, since we're talking about it, I've had very few periods in the past 5 years, but after each child, the first several periods were awful. Just like you described. Painful, raging, erratic... all that. Just saying, it might get better, but I can't tell you cause I've always gotten pregnant before that happened, but this time. This time I'll know. However, I hope you'll know before I do and if so, could ya tell me? LOL
Brenna said…
I never knew. I never wanted anyone to know either. That was problematic.

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

So, WILL an M&M melt in your nose?

This weekend was one of the busiest social dates of the summer. The options seemed endless: a lobster boil, a fireman's dance, and a little something called Moos & Blues which you just have to experience to believe. (Small town farmers hosting one of the biggest events of the season: pig roast, live music and an unbelievable fireworks display that ranks up there with the best of 'em.) However, I was home with Dotter (9) and Cletus (1.5) and two extra kids (aged 3 and 1).

Big V, being the stellar support system that he is, bailed on me to attend an obligatory graduation party.

So it was me (clearly outnumbered) who stayed with the children for the day.

And it was a very long day.

Eight hours later I had managed to put two of the kids to bed and the other was quietly watching a movie. (Dotter had locked herself in my bedroom hours earlier to get away from everyone. Meaning me. Because I kept asking her to help bring me a diaper. Help fill up that sippy cup. Help take that…