Tweet 1. I eat M&M's. You know, from the bag I hid from all the kids earlier. Yes, I eat them. One at a time. I slowly suck on the candy coating until it disappears and then I slowly chew the chocolate treasure inside. And then I grab another piece and slowly do it all again. I do this instead of shoving eight pieces in my mouth while stirring the spaghetti sauce we're having for dinner and trying to dodge your I smell chocolate in here accusations like I usually do.
2. I sit. I sit still. I sit still in one spot. Without getting up every thirty-seven seconds to grab the baby, check the baby, take the electrical cord out of the baby's mouth. I sit. I sit until my legs feel like they've been wrapped in one of those lead blankets the dentist throws over you when he x-rays your teeth. And it is good.
3. I go to the bathroom. With the door closed. Yes, closed. And no one barges in to hand me a permission slip that needs to be signed right away otherwise you won't be able to go bowling next Tuesday with the rest of the class, and no one barges in to ask me if they should wear their hair this way or that way to school tomorrow and this is really important because Betty Sue wore her hair like this today and you don't want people to think you're copying her, and no one barges in to announce that next week Wednesday there is a fire meeting that you need to go to and you just wanted to tell me before you forgot. Yes, after I put my kids to bed I go to the bathroom. With the door closed. Sometimes I stay in there for a really long time. Because I can.
4. I eat. In the living room. On the couch. Over the carpet. I eat crumbly foods like potato chips. And foods that stain my fingers like Cheetos. And I drink red kool-aid. In a really big breakable glass. And I put it on the edge of the coffee table. Where it might spill. Yep. I'm daring like that.
5. I watch television where the main characters are older than 12. Sometimes there are kissing scenes. Or dead bodies. And swear words. Aw, who am I kidding - you all heard those swear words earlier in the evening when I was yelling at you for the twentieth time to get off the carpet with your red juice.
Children, these are just five reasons why you must, yes you must go to bed at a decent hour. Because I can't cram all this in twenty minutes before midnight. Really.
Editor's Note: red kool-aid may or may not be red wine; because you just wait until your kids learn all about alcohol. One humiliating trip in to see the principal and discuss your child's concerns with your daily wine drinking habits will have you calling it kool-aid, too. You know, if that's the case.