Thursday, March 25, 2010

I attended a Women's Health Fair last night with a dear friend of mine. Which was great because (1) I am a woman and, (2) I am a big fan of fairs. Except this one had some sort of "health" theme going on which clearly meant no cotton candy or funnel cakes. I was ok with that because - just in case you don't happen to know, Burger King sells Funnel Cake Sticks which are unbelievably glorious in my opinion.

We were handed one of those eco-friendly bags to load up with all those goodies notoriously handed out at events like this. Things like papers, peppermints and well, more papers. You know, papers advertising super healthy things like botox treatments and breast augmentation services. At the orthopedic surgeon booth there were 3D bones and super cool pens. And I mean super cool pens. Not Bic cheap. (No offense, Bic. I use your products consistently because I'm poor and I can afford your kinds of pens.) My point is, I wanted one of those pens. The un-Bic one.

There were only five super cool pens lined up and Ortho Surgeon Security was hovering pretty close, so I knew these were worth it. Bound and determined to get one of those sticks of inky goodness I strode confidently to the table and made some serious inquiries. Surely questions of thought would be rewarded with a pen.

I asked if there were any preventative exercises I could do to prevent total hip replacements. I explained that my knees were bad from several years of intense Army training. (No, that's not a lie. I have actually served in the armed forces. Although it was perhaps a slight exaggeration in that I wouldn't actually say I experienced "several years of intense training." Hey - Don't judge me -- you didn't see the pen.) I demonstrated stretches I claimed to perform on a daily basis to see if I was doing them correctly. I even mentioned that I had swell health insurance that would probably pay 100% for a total hip or knee replacement as a form of preventative medicinal practices. And yet no pen. In fact, the more I talked with him the closer he moved his hand in an attempt to shield the pens from my view (and my very probable quick snag).

You know what, after thinking about it, those pens really weren't that great. They probably looked great on the outside but were barely hanging on inside and if Doc prefers the cheapest products would you want him ordering up your hip? I think not.

We ate a dinner full of healthy items I wouldn't actually be able to identify because, let's be honest, my diet consists of microwaveable burritos with a side of Cheetos. I wouldn't know the names of healthy items if my life depended on it. The food was accompanied by a speaker. A lovely bore of a woman who reminded us that we were going to die.

"You will spend a third of your life in menopause. Menopause will be hell so you will probably take hormone medication which will deplete the much needed calcium in your bones. You will develop osteoporosis. You will get a hip fracture. Of the 300,000 hip fractures a year, twenty thousand people will die in three months; another fifty thousand in a year. If you're lucky enough to live through your hip fracture, the medication you would be prescribed for the osteoporosis will more than likely give you breast cancer. And then you will die. Enjoy the dessert."

Now I'm freaking out about getting old. It's not like she pointed out any benefits...

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