Stumbling Towards Perfect

Someday I'll tell you about the last couple of days. Not today. It's way too raw. Instead I'll tell you that I had the Best Pizza Ever made and delivered for me by the owner of a local restaurant even though they weren't even open today.Gluten free crust. Pepperjack cheese. And pepperoni. And know that THAT is the only reason I'm still functioning.

N umber of homes I lived in as a child: 2 A ge when I first got glasses: 10 N umber of times I have almost seriously drowned: 3 N umber of times I have been washed off to sea: 1 N umber of times I have been bitten by a horse: 3 N umber of times I have had braces: 0 A ge I first moved out on my own: 17 N umber of places I’ve lived in the past 21 years (not inluding moving back home with the parents): 13 N umber of times I moved back with my parents: 2, +/- 10 L ongest number of years, as an adult, spent living in the same house without moving: 5 P ercentage of time in any given day I think about moving to a different house: 36 N umber of military branches I served in: 1 N umber of guys I dated named Tommy: 3 N umber of times I have consumed mussels: 1 C hances I’ll ever eat mussels again: 0 N umber of jobs held in the telemarketing field: 1 A pproximate number of days spent on that job in the telemarketing field: 6 C hances I’ll ever take ...

1. MY OLDEST DAUGHTER ASKED TO BE A MONK FOR HALLOWEEN. SHE WAS 2. At first we assumed she wanted to be a monkey. But, no. She insisted that what she wanted to be was a monk. She had just watched a documentary about the Dalai Lama and was infatuated with Tibetan monks. She was also infatuated with dingoes and whether or not they actually ate the baby. 2. I WAS CALLED IN TO SPEAK WITH MY DAUGHTER'S TEACHER WHO HAD SERIOUS CONCERNS OVER MY DAUGHTER'S FUTURE CAREER CHOICE. My daughter announced she wanted to be a Fortune Teller when she grew up. This was a grave concern and required the immediate attention of myself, her teacher at the parochial school she attended, as well as the prinicpal of the school, because only God can know the future of one's life and we ought not to fall into Satan's trap by buying into witchcraft and false prophecy. When I turned and asked my daughter why she wanted to be a Fortune Teller she explained that she wanted to wear long flowi...

Being that yesterday I did all the laundry and folded it downstairs, in the basement, away from the children, and that I spent the last part of my evening glued to the television set watching the Downton Abbey, not blinking, and therefore became too lazy to go back down to the basement and bring up any of my clothes I might need to wear, and also because I began to read a book called  The History of Love   by Nicole Krauss - which immediately lives up to its description as 'hauntingly beautiful' and made me stay up too late so then I was tired this morning and woke up late and therefore did not have the time to run downstairs to get any clean clothes, I was forced to wear the absolute last pair of clean underwear I had in my drawer; that being a mauve colored pair I wore when I was pregnant. And these suckers are HUGE. But surprisingly comfortable. And also, my sternum now has an extra layer of cotton protection which will probably cut down on my chances of...

Please ignore my double chin. It normally isn't that pronounced.  On our drive to the theater  to watch a performance of Shakespeare's The Comedy of Errors, Big V asked, "So, is this a rotation of different comics? Or skits? Or just one guy doing stand-up?" And I knew I had to tweet that right away. Because this guy had no clue what we were about to go see. And that made me laugh. Hard. Do you know who Shakespeare is? Yeah, the guy that did Romeo and Juliet. Right. And, do you remember how he talks? You mean all those thee's and thou's and come hither's? Exactly! [silence] Wait. Is this play going to be like that? Thee and thou and come hither? Yep. [silence] I hope I don't fall asleep. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. Look, if you stay awake for the entire first act I'll buy you a drink at intermission. "Where's Shakespeare for Dummies in this thing?" Once we found our seats I sugg...

Last night, Big V played basketball while wearing two completely different shoes. And when I say different, I mean one was an athletic high top and the other was a black reffing shoe similar to those tacky styled orthopedic shoes. Seriously, we can send men to the moon but no one on the face of the planet can successfully bring together style and function for diabetics?  If you've ever wondered why I love Big V I'll tell you exactly why: because he actually called me to tell me he was wearing two different shoes . Any normal guy would have faked a sprained ankle and hobbled out of the gym, but not Big V. No, sir-ee. When he unzipped that duffle bag and stared into the humiliation that greeted him he threw his head back laughing and started lacing up. And then, instead of swearing all the other players to secrecy in a vain attempt to pretend this never happened, he picked up his cell and dialed my number. You are so going to wish you had come to watch this game! Uh,...

Tomorrow, Big V and I are going to the thee-ah-tah . He's awesome at supporting my interests (theater being a pretty big one) and doesn't mind going .... but he may be in over his head this time. When the season dates came out and I was busy circling every event I wanted to attend, Big V was busy making himself a sandwich. He uh-huh'd and mm-hmm'd and oh yeah'd and then I asked what he would like to go to. And he scanned the page and saw the words Comedy of Errors. Except I think he skipped over the 'of errors' part and just saw comedy. You know that's Shakespeare, right? "What's Shakespeare?" Oh, boy, is he in for a treat. Feel free to come with!  We can giggle at Big V together over cocktails during intermission....