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Showing posts from May 20, 2012

And then my car exploded. Almost.

....and so I pulled up to my parents' house and turned the car off. It was a nice day and I walked across their lawn.... and noticed smoke. Coming from behind me. So I turned around and saw smoke billowing out of the hood of my car.

So, being 38-years old and a responsible adult with children, I promptly ran to my daddy who was in the garage tinkering with his lawn mower and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!! And that's when I noticed that he was actually not my father but a repair man sent to fix the broken piece of crap new lawn mower that my dad just bought. I apologized to the strange man and turned to my dad, who was insisting on hovering over the strange man and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!!!

And, well, obviously I do not get my dramatic flair from my father because he just casually looked out towards the street and mumbled something about it probably overheating.

IS IT GOING TO BLOW UP?! WHAT IF MY CAR BLOWS UP?!

And, being that he was completely embarrassed of …

Whose Kids Are These Anyway?

The other night Dotter, who is 10, announced that she was going to make cookies. And she was going to take those cookies and deliver them to the people on her list. And all I had to do was drive her to deliver the cookies that she made to the people on that list.

And I immediately thought are you serious? I just spent the entire day working my tail off and I'm tired and I'm hungry and there's forty-seven loads of laundry to do and what the heck is in the toddler's hair?

And then I thought huh. This must be what nice people do. Just decide to do things for others for no other reason than to make people happy.

So, even though I was exhausted and facing an endless mound of dirty clothing, I decided to support Dotter. Because I like nice people. Especially nice people that deliver cookies for no other reason than to make my day a little brighter. And I figured if I supported her now, maybe she'd remember it when she was older and would bring me cookies when I was in t…

Go ahead and save a life. It's really pretty simple.

Receive the envelope.
Swab your cheeks.
Drop in the nearest mailbox.

Be The Match.



And, this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is my life. Go ahead and be jealous.

So, I was reading outside and heard a noise coming from inside the house and figured I ought to investigate. It sounded like... a motor, whirring. I followed the sound and it takes me down to the basement. I'm a few steps from the bottom when I see the guest bedroom door open and the light on.

There's Big V, standing in the doorway, vacuuming his penis.

In his defense, he was fully clothed, standing next to a plugged in Kirby, using the hose in a sweeping motion across the front of his shorts like he was trying to vacuum off cat hair or something.

After a few minutes he catches me staring at him.

"What?" he asks, continuing to vacuum himself as if this is the most natural thing in the world.

"You're standing in an empty room vacuuming your junk and you're asking me 'what?'"

"I had to vacuum up the cornstarch."

*crickets*

He switched the vacuum off and started winding up the cord.

"Remember last night when I came home and s…