And then my car exploded. Almost.
....and so I pulled up to my parents' house and turned the car off. It was a nice day and I walked across their lawn.... and noticed smoke. Coming from behind me. So I turned around and saw smoke billowing out of the hood of my car.
So, being 38-years old and a responsible adult with children, I promptly ran to my daddy who was in the garage tinkering with his lawn mower and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!! And that's when I noticed that he was actually not my father but a repair man sent to fix the broken piece of crap new lawn mower that my dad just bought. I apologized to the strange man and turned to my dad, who was insisting on hovering over the strange man and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!!!
And, well, obviously I do not get my dramatic flair from my father because he just casually looked out towards the street and mumbled something about it probably overheating.
IS IT GOING TO BLOW UP?! WHAT IF MY CAR BLOWS UP?!
And, being that he was completely embarrassed of my shouting, decided the only way to shut me up would to be to look at my car. Go pop the hood, he directed.
ME?! WHAT IF IT BLOWS UP?!
It's not going to blow up. Go pop the hood.
And so I did. Well, at least I mean, I tried. Because who knew car hoods could be so tricky? And in my defense it really is a tricky hood release because there's a button you push down not a latch you push up. See what I mean?
And so my dad actually opened the hood of the car but let's not focus on that point too much.
And that's when we saw oil everywhere. Over everything.
And that's also when my dad pointed to something and said where's the oil cap?
And that's when we noticed it sitting nicely on the battery. (Also covered in oil.)
So there was no fire and no flame and pretty much it was just the oil burning off which stunk pretty bad.
And that's when Big V called.
Hey. Whatcha doin'?
I'm over at my parents. We're currently discussing the fact that you're an idiot.
What?
Um, remember last night when I asked you to check my oil? And you said it was low so you put more oil in it?
Yeah?
Well, was there a particular reason you didn't feel obligated to put the oil cap back on?
Shit.
Yep. That about sums it up. My dad said you need to come with oil, coolant and some windshield washer fluid because that's low, too, and pray to God this car starts again.
Well, it's not my fault the cap wasn't on.
What?
Remember? I was checking your oil and I fell through the cistern?
Oh my god. You totally didn't fall through. The board broke and your foot went about three inches. The thing is twelve feet deep; you didn't even lose your flip-flop. I'd hardly call that falling through.
...and you were all freaking out about how dangerous it was and that I needed to fix it right away -
I've been saying that since I moved in five years ago. Who the hell has a cistern in their garage?
Anyway -
It's probably not even a cistern at all. It was probably dug so the creepy owners could throw bodies down there. We really should have the police investigate it before it's filled in.
What?
We can't just cover up dead people and pretend like they're not there.
They do that in cemeteries.
That's not the same thing and you know it. That would only work if we had headstones and the garage is too small for headstones. I'd never be able to fit my car in.
There aren't any bodies... you just think they're there.
Why else would someone dig a twelve foot deep pit in their garage and cover it with a wooden hatch? Trust me. There's dead people down there.
There are no dead people.
How do you know? Have you been in it?
Well, I was almost in it! Which is why you freaked out after I fell through and told me I had to fix the hatch right away and that is exactly why I didn't have time to put that oil cap back on.
So, being 38-years old and a responsible adult with children, I promptly ran to my daddy who was in the garage tinkering with his lawn mower and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!! And that's when I noticed that he was actually not my father but a repair man sent to fix the broken piece of crap new lawn mower that my dad just bought. I apologized to the strange man and turned to my dad, who was insisting on hovering over the strange man and yelled: DAD! MY CAR'S ON FIRE!!!
And, well, obviously I do not get my dramatic flair from my father because he just casually looked out towards the street and mumbled something about it probably overheating.
IS IT GOING TO BLOW UP?! WHAT IF MY CAR BLOWS UP?!
And, being that he was completely embarrassed of my shouting, decided the only way to shut me up would to be to look at my car. Go pop the hood, he directed.
ME?! WHAT IF IT BLOWS UP?!
It's not going to blow up. Go pop the hood.
And so I did. Well, at least I mean, I tried. Because who knew car hoods could be so tricky? And in my defense it really is a tricky hood release because there's a button you push down not a latch you push up. See what I mean?
And so my dad actually opened the hood of the car but let's not focus on that point too much.
And that's when we saw oil everywhere. Over everything.
And that's also when my dad pointed to something and said where's the oil cap?
And that's when we noticed it sitting nicely on the battery. (Also covered in oil.)
So there was no fire and no flame and pretty much it was just the oil burning off which stunk pretty bad.
And that's when Big V called.
Hey. Whatcha doin'?
I'm over at my parents. We're currently discussing the fact that you're an idiot.
What?
Um, remember last night when I asked you to check my oil? And you said it was low so you put more oil in it?
Yeah?
Well, was there a particular reason you didn't feel obligated to put the oil cap back on?
Shit.
Yep. That about sums it up. My dad said you need to come with oil, coolant and some windshield washer fluid because that's low, too, and pray to God this car starts again.
Well, it's not my fault the cap wasn't on.
What?
Remember? I was checking your oil and I fell through the cistern?
Oh my god. You totally didn't fall through. The board broke and your foot went about three inches. The thing is twelve feet deep; you didn't even lose your flip-flop. I'd hardly call that falling through.
...and you were all freaking out about how dangerous it was and that I needed to fix it right away -
I've been saying that since I moved in five years ago. Who the hell has a cistern in their garage?
Anyway -
It's probably not even a cistern at all. It was probably dug so the creepy owners could throw bodies down there. We really should have the police investigate it before it's filled in.
What?
We can't just cover up dead people and pretend like they're not there.
They do that in cemeteries.
That's not the same thing and you know it. That would only work if we had headstones and the garage is too small for headstones. I'd never be able to fit my car in.
There aren't any bodies... you just think they're there.
Why else would someone dig a twelve foot deep pit in their garage and cover it with a wooden hatch? Trust me. There's dead people down there.
There are no dead people.
How do you know? Have you been in it?
Well, I was almost in it! Which is why you freaked out after I fell through and told me I had to fix the hatch right away and that is exactly why I didn't have time to put that oil cap back on.
Comments
Have fun digging up the bodies!