And, this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is my life. Go ahead and be jealous.

So, I was reading outside and heard a noise coming from inside the house and figured I ought to investigate. It sounded like... a motor, whirring. I followed the sound and it takes me down to the basement. I'm a few steps from the bottom when I see the guest bedroom door open and the light on.

There's Big V, standing in the doorway, vacuuming his penis.

In his defense, he was fully clothed, standing next to a plugged in Kirby, using the hose in a sweeping motion across the front of his shorts like he was trying to vacuum off cat hair or something.

After a few minutes he catches me staring at him.

"What?" he asks, continuing to vacuum himself as if this is the most natural thing in the world.

"You're standing in an empty room vacuuming your junk and you're asking me 'what?'"

"I had to vacuum up the cornstarch."

*crickets*

He switched the vacuum off and started winding up the cord.

"Remember last night when I came home and said I was super chafed from playing in that softball tournament all day and all that sweating? And you told me to shut up and just use cornstarch and stop talking about it because it was grossing you out?" he explained.

*crickets*

"....um... yeah... so why are you down here? In the bedroom in the basement? Why didn't you do that in the bathroom?"

"Oh. I had to lay down and come at it from an angle."