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Showing posts from May 6, 2012

A Series of Perfectly Normal Texts Between Sisters

SISTER:  Alex wants you to see how he likes to read....
ME: Which is ironic because I read the SAME WAY! (Also I think I may need someone to call an ambulance.) 
SISTER: This is so funny!! Everyone is laughing. And the Teen Bean was so confused about what was going on in this picture. Hahahaha!
ME:  I don't know why it's funny. Big V just shook his head and LEFT ME HERE and now I can't feel my left leg. Or my spleen. I'll probably be paralyzed and horribly disfigured just because I tried to one-up an uber-flexible kid. Damn this getting older crap.
ME:  Also, I should note Big V didn't even ask me why I wanted him to take a picture of me reading all bent up like that. It's like he expects this.
SISTER:  LOL! I totally just snorted when I read this. And if I read it to explain the snort, [my husband] will look at me like I am not okay.
ME:  Oh, sure. That sounds just like you -- pretend to be the "normal" one just to make me look crazy, even though you total…

The One in Which I Explain How a Pimped Out Frog Saves me from Murderers

I sleep with an eye mask. You know, like a grown-up version of a Pin the Tail on the Donkey blindfold but way less sexier. My two plain black ones (the ones they give you on airplanes) both broke, so now I'm using one of the kids' and it has this creepy pimped out frog on it. It kind of scares Big V when he rolls over and gets greeted by a wide-eyed gangster amphibian.

I didn't always wear one. In fact, if you know me at all you'd probably be shocked to learn that I purposely put something around my head that could easily symbolize the choking hands of a sociopath. Albeit a sociopath with bad aim, since, really, the point is to choke the life out of me while I sleep, not play a rousing game of Guess Who? Except now that I think of it that's exactly what a sociopath would do because sociopaths are notoriously slow and calculating (probably because they have bad aim) and creepy. And everyone knows there's nothing's creepier than laying there with a strangers …

I love my friends.

Actual Facebook Status:
"I have to go clean out my belly button now." (my little girl is taking after her bigger sister...well, and her mother, but let's not dwell on that.)


Illustrated by Becca:(Yes, another one. How awesome is she?!)