Thursday, May 10, 2012

A Series of Perfectly Normal Texts Between Sisters

SISTER:  Alex wants you to see how he likes to read....

ME: Which is ironic because I read the SAME WAY! (Also I think I may need someone to call an ambulance.) 

SISTER: This is so funny!! Everyone is laughing. And the Teen Bean was so confused about what was going on in this picture. Hahahaha!

ME:  I don't know why it's funny. Big V just shook his head and LEFT ME HERE and now I can't feel my left leg. Or my spleen. I'll probably be paralyzed and horribly disfigured just because I tried to one-up an uber-flexible kid. Damn this getting older crap.

ME:  Also, I should note Big V didn't even ask me why I wanted him to take a picture of me reading all bent up like that. It's like he expects this.

SISTER:  LOL! I totally just snorted when I read this. And if I read it to explain the snort, [my husband] will look at me like I am not okay.

ME:  Oh, sure. That sounds just like you -- pretend to be the "normal" one just to make me look crazy, even though you totally started it. Just like that epic food fight or the time you gave the goats spa treatments.

SISTER:  Alex says: "oh, look what I started."  

(I think he was refrencing the fact that now the Teen Bean was reading all bent up, too, not the fact that he
somehow caused our old childhood memories that included Pork & Beans stuck to the kitchen ceiling and goats running through the house smothered in Salon Selectives Moisture Renewal hair conditioner to be brought up, because I'm pretty sure my sister would never tell any of her kids these stories. Probably because they actually have goats now and she wouldn't want Karma to give her a smackdown via her children, and her goats. Which is the exact same reason why I don't have any goats. Or Pork & Beans.)

ME:  Wait. Is she doing that utilizing her core muscles? I pulled the muscles in my torso. All of them. She shouldn't be allowed to play.

ME: This is how Smokey reads. She's not very flexible. 

And then I totally had to stop texting because when I was attempting to get the cat to bend up like the rest of us she totally freaked out and scratched out my corneas with her razor sharp talons. And by scratched out my corneas I mean looked at me with enormous amounts of disdain and also sighed. Also I had to stop texting because my sister never replied back. Probably because she was out with her goats to see if she could get a picture of them reading all bendy.


UPDATED:After I posted a link to my Facebook, my sister left me this message:
This seemed like a much more normal conversation before you made it available to your FB community.

To which I responded with:
We're like an example of how to encourage reading and become a literary family. They'll probably use us on posters at schools all across America. The only thing that would make this better is if we got a picture of Mom reading. Maybe with the help of the boys we could rig her up... then it would be like "Woah! 3 Generations Reading! Let's give this family an AWARD!"

So, if America would like to give us an award I would be more than happy to write an acceptance speech. Also, I would totally have a giveaway so one of my awesome readers could win the chance to accompany me to the fancy-schmancy dinner that would obviously be held in our family's honor. Because something tells me Big V will probably just want to stay home and watch sports. Because he never reads. Especially directions. But don't get me started because that always leads to the dysfunctional automatic garage door opener he installed which actually isn't very automatic at all.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The One in Which I Explain How a Pimped Out Frog Saves me from Murderers

I sleep with an eye mask. You know, like a grown-up version of a Pin the Tail on the Donkey blindfold but way less sexier. My two plain black ones (the ones they give you on airplanes) both broke, so now I'm using one of the kids' and it has this creepy pimped out frog on it. It kind of scares Big V when he rolls over and gets greeted by a wide-eyed gangster amphibian.

I didn't always wear one. In fact, if you know me at all you'd probably be shocked to learn that I purposely put something around my head that could easily symbolize the choking hands of a sociopath. Albeit a sociopath with bad aim, since, really, the point is to choke the life out of me while I sleep, not play a rousing game of Guess Who? Except now that I think of it that's exactly what a sociopath would do because sociopaths are notoriously slow and calculating (probably because they have bad aim) and creepy. And everyone knows there's nothing's creepier than laying there with a strangers hands over your eyes.

I used to sleep with the light on. The closet light, with both doors wide open. Because my room was at the back of the house... the rear... the side of the house where all the murderers hide lying in wait. And there was a tv antenna attached to the roof right outside my bedroom window. Like a giant ladder leading directly to my innocent teenaged body. It'd be super easy for someone to climb the ladder, abduct me, and carry me out the back yard, through the forest, down the cliff and into the raging river, thus causing the bloodhounds to lose my scent. I'm sure some smart ass I'm related to is going to point out that it was actually a mildly sloping hill, a few trees, and a small creek, but to that I say it's not your body about to be hacked into millions of pieces.

And so I slept with the light on because that way the killer would be all oh, look! Easy access to a second story window! Oh, wait. The light's on. Shit. Guess I'd better move on to another house. And it totally worked, too, because I'm still here.

So, now you're probably wondering why, if that life saving tactic was so successful, I'm now choosing to wear an eye mask that makes everything absolutely, one hundred percent pitch black.

Because I watched some stupid movie where the freaking crazy guy paints his body to blend into the brick wall and no one could see him because he blended into the freaking wall that's why! Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Someone could be in my house and I could walk right past them and not even know they were there because they would have masterfully painted their entire body to look like my surroundings, which is the main reason I keep moving the furniture around. To keep them on their toes.

So, knowing this - knowing that some deranged lunatic could be in my house and I could easily walk past them and not see them - I have decided to heighten some of my senses by limiting one of them. You hear all the time how someone goes blind and suddenly they have this amazing sense of smell or super human sense of hearing. Which, by the way, I'm totally banking on an increased sense of hearing because I don't really want to have to go licking my way around the house to find out if there's a Murderer in Waiting. Know what I mean? With my newly heightened senses (thanks to my proactive restriction of sight via the froggy eye mask) I'll be able to hear their subtle movements, soft feet against the floor, the sound of their slow methodic breathing  - which probably smells like hot dogs. And I'll be able to smell their sweat. And their breath (especially if it smells like hot dogs).

Now, I haven't actually thought all the way through the scenario to what I would do once I found them but I like to think I'd be vicious. Or at the very least just still able to scream loudly enough to wake Big V (who sleeps through everything; even that time we had a police squad running through our yard shining flood lights in our bedroom windows).

Oh, and since I know you were wondering, I had no idea what the movie was but I knew you'd want to know so I googled creep paints himself to look like bricks and sure enough, there it was: When a Stranger Calls Back. And don't get all salty because I didn't link a video. There is no way I'm looking that shit up. I'm busy digging out the number of my therapist; I'm not going to be able to sleep for weeks.

Monday, May 7, 2012

I love my friends.

Actual Facebook Status:
"I have to go clean out my belly button now." (my little girl is taking after her bigger sister...well, and her mother, but let's not dwell on that.)


Illustrated by Becca: (Yes, another one. How awesome is she?!)