Monday, November 12, 2012

AVERYday: Holding Each Other Up - Part 4

There were hundreds of people that stood in line for over an hour to give me a hug. People streamed through the school gymnasium where Avery's visitation was being held from 3:45pm until after 9:00 at night. People I was related to. People who I have known all my life. People I worked with. People I had only known for a short time. And people I had never met.

I remember meeting a man who was holding the most precious little girl. She reached her arms out to me and climbed into my arms. "What's your name?" she asked, squeezing my cheeks, pulling back my cheeks, morphing my face and smile into silly expressions. "Bridget. What's yours?" "Chelsie. You're pretty." 

Perhaps it sounds bizarre, and maybe if you ever go through something like this, you'll understand what I'm about to say: I needed her. At that moment in time, I needed this innocent child to squeeze my cheeks and tell me I was pretty. 

Her father had never met me. He had heard about Avery's death and felt compelled to stand in line to hug a complete stranger. 

It was these moments of complete goodness that helped pull me through. Made me remember that life was good. Made me think that if goodness surrounded me, nothing bad could ever happen.

Except that's not how real life works. 

You would think by now I know how real life works. 

This past Friday a friend of mine passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a couple years younger than me, laughed louder than me, lived louder than me, and loved life louder than me. He's a daddy and a brother and a pumpkin grower and a steer shower. He's a practical joker and the most amazing photographer I've ever met. He would capture quiet country moments in a way that would rock your emotions. Did I really tear up when I saw that picture of the round hay bale? Yes. Yes, I did.

He and his family were just standing in my line, giving me their hugs and support. They were just holding me up. Now it is our turn to hold them up.

In the past few weeks our community has been rocked to the core. We have had a Mother and a Father pass away, reminding us that our parents could suddenly be called home. We have been reminded that our children can die without warning. And we have now been shown that we, ourselves, are not immune to our own mortality. 

And that can be very, very scary.

Throughout all my hurt and confusion and feelings of loss, I go back to God. 

Have you ever gone to summer camp? You meet people and go swimming and have fun and create memories and inside jokes and think the food sucks but the friends are great, even though that the one girl in the next cabin is kind of mean but overall everyone else is cool. You think summer camp is an awesome experience and you're so glad you went, but you also kind of just want to go home and be with your mom and dad and sleep in your own bed again. And when it's time to go home, you hug your friends, proclaim it went too fast, and worry that even though everyone says they'll stay in touch, they might get too busy and forget about you.

Well, maybe we're all just here at summer camp. And some of us are in the Wisconsin cabin and some of us are in the Arkansas cabin. And the really cool kids are way across camp in the Paris cabin. And someday camp will be over for us and it'll be time for us to go home. 

It's just that we've never actually been home... we just have to trust that home is awesome. We have to trust home is filled with only love and goodness and perfection. That there are no annoying angels that try to one-up each other or make fun of the velcro sneakers you're wearing. There are no mortgages or custody disputes or hunger or sickness. It's just perfectly, wonderfully home. 

Avery had asked me recently if she could learn how to show steers at our county fair. My friend Josh was very active showing steers. I'm thinking that Avery is right next to Josh, asking him hundreds of questions about cows. Another thing Avery wanted was her own camera, a professional grade one. (At least you can eat the bovine.) Josh took amazing photographs of nature, animals and country landscapes. When I went through Avery's phone I found all these pictures of country landscapes. My older daughter, Jadrian, explained that when they were together she was always taking pictures like that. I believe that right now Josh is holding Avery's perfect hand, zooming around the heavens and the earth and the stars, pointing out the most amazing landscapes ever.  

So, why does this happen? Why do we have to lose people we love? I don't know. Maybe to remind us that life is short. Maybe to remind us to be nice to the lady in front of us in the check out line because you don't know what kind of struggle or hardship she's experiencing. Or maybe to remind us that we have a place to go home to.

photo credit: Josh Yates

14 comments:

Devon Pavan said...

<3

Chiconky said...

Your analogy of life as summer camp is perfect. It just makes perfect sense.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, but it's comforting to think that Avery's got a friend with her.

Eyemoses said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eyemoses said...

Bridget. Your writing is amazing. Your story heart breaking. You're in my prayers. Your insight is helping me daily, and who am I, I'm no one. But I know you're not just helping me daily.
Much like my mantra when I was an overzealous student with absolutely no pride, wavying my hand in the classroom to ask the professor for clarification, knowing truthfully, "I can't be the only one who doesn't get this, I'm going to ask the question..." Thank you for your answers. I am sure you're not just helping me daily, you're helping all of us who know you, asking the question...why did this happen?
Thank you and God Bless you

angie said...

I'm not sure how you achieved this awesome clarity, but wow. I love it. I have always been a believer, but I never thought of Heaven in quite the way you just suggested--coming home from summer camp. I love that.
More and more prayers being said for you, your entire family, and now your whole community each and every day. What a trying time for all. :( God bless you.

Lisa Gullion said...

wonderful post. In such a hard time your positivity is such an amazing quality of faith. I will continue to pray for you and your family. How is the rest of your family doing?

Shanon Domenosky said...

Speechless <3 Thank You For Every Single Word <3

Aleiha said...

Wow Bridget. That was amazing. God does certainly take too many from us, especially lately. I know Josh is in Heaven looking over Avery and guiding her through her new life. They're together with our other friends and family watching over us each and every moment.

THE LETTS FAMILY said...

Oh my gosh! I didn't know about JOSH! It's like another punch in the stomach.

I really appreciate your reflections. The only thing is, I think you DO know "home." It's in your heart. Even if you can't see it with your Earthly eyes, it is all around you. In sunbeams and hay bales. In little girls that pinch your cheeks and strangers that felt compelled to come to you. I don't think everyone is aware of "home" but you definitely are.

And Avery knew it. Knows it. She knew she'd never have to be afraid there, or uncomfortable, or fly under the radar. I bet she's showing Josh the ropes too. ;)

And, I agree with Giovanna. Your writing helps us all find some... if not understanding, then at least peace with all of this.

thanks.

Bridgett A said...

Thank you.

sue @ laundryforsix said...

All teary.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Camp, yes. That is such a beautiful way to look at the big picture we've got here.

Brenna said...

I am madly in love with your camp analogy. Bridget, you are a talent, you are a gift.

Brian Larson said...

Robbin and I wish we could have been in that line to hug you. For what it's worth, we were there in spirit.