Tuesday, November 20, 2012

AVERYday: Dreaming My Dreams - Part 8



Photo Credit: Emily Brewster

I was afraid of sleeping, or rather, not sleeping, after that first night. And so I did what made sense to me and that was to find something that would help put me to sleep. I was successful and found amazing assistance in the form of a little, round pill. I could sleep. And there were no nightmares. But there were no dreams either.

After two weeks I thought maybe I'd better try sleeping on my own, lest I become a sleeping pill addict... and also because I wanted to dream. I selfishly wanted her to visit me in my dreams. I had heard stories about this: dreams so vivid it was like their lost loved one was really there. I fixated on what Avery would tell me; what words of wisdom she would impart to her grieving mother.

Except she hasn't been in my dreams yet. 

I think about her constantly. She interrupts my thoughts. I can't focus on what people are saying to me because suddenly a thought will slip in: I'll never know how tall Avery would have grown, I'll think. She'll never be in a wedding; she just always wanted to be in a wedding. Or, I should flip through every book on the bookcases because maybe she left a note in one of them.

Today I broke down multiple times. I had gone to a store called Hobby Lobby. She would have loved it, I sobbed. In each aisle I saw something she would have wanted; decorative crosses and faith filled wall art. I picked myself up and went next door to Dollar Tree for a couple odds and ends. I cried when I saw the super-cheap Nativity scene. She always set the Nativity scene up at Christmas and she won't be doing that this year. Or ever, ever again. I picked myself up and went across the street to Target. And I bawled when I got to the Christmas aisle. Each year, Santa "labeled" his gifts to the kids with an ornament that had their initials on it. Santa won't have to buy an "A."

I picked myself up and drove slowly home, my heart weeping.

I then did what I have found myself doing since October 24th. Staying up as late as my body will allow me even though I'm so tired I could cry. Because I am scared of falling asleep. I'm scared of not falling asleep. I'm scared of not knowing what will happen when I sleep. Or what won't happen. And so I wait until my body can't take another second and fall, utterly and completely spent, into bed.

When Avery was just six weeks old I started dating Jason. We dated for a couple years and he was the only person who could get Avery to calm down and fall asleep. He would sing Dreaming My Dreams by the Cranberries. I had forgotten that. 

I am so glad I remembered.



Tonight I'll be dreaming my dreams with Avery... or I'll be waiting...

9 comments:

Lisa Gullion said...

Still praying for you and your family. You are a very brave parent to share such intimate details with us.
All my love is sent your way.

Casey Johnson said...

She will come Bridgette. It may no be today or tomorrow but she will. Ibex Avery is up,there just in awe with God and Jesus listening to them tell her the Bible. From the ones that wrote the book. I'm thinking of you averyday.

Tina, said...

She will come. My grandfather came and it was the most comforting, calming visit. I know she will come, she is waiting for you to really be ready for her.

My3LittleE's said...

I'm not sure if your religion will allow you to do this and a lot of people are skeptical but the thing that helped me the most when I lost my Dad and boyfriend w/in 6 weeks of each other was going to a medium. I had friends that had gone to her and she came on very good recomendations. She told me things about them and even convyed their personalities. It was an amazing experience and it brought my Mom, my boyfiends Mom and siter and myself much comfort. She knew absolutly nothing about me before she met me. I highly recommend it if it is something you can be open to.

Becca said...

The holidays must be so incredibly hard. I hope you have a really wonderful and peaceful dream tonight. Sending all of our love.

Ellen said...

I looked at Avery's photo that you shared....I looked and looked. She looks so like you.

Some places will not ever be the same Bridget when you visit them (holiday shopping/ stores), holidays in general, scents, a fleeting glimpse of someone who will remind you of Avery. I say this not to distress you but to say that it will ease this ache over time. It's the bittersweet of memories that melts your heart into a heap of tears, of an ache so profound you swear it feels real. It will ease and the memories themselves will be welcome because it does remind and conjure up an image that warms you while at the same time you long to hold and love that person / Avery ...

Avery...will be always with you. In your dreams even if you don't remember them the next morning...give her time to come in them with her smile face...think of her before you fall asleep, some happy cherished time and that lasting moment before sleep will drift in one night unexpected. I do believe it will....

More hugs and caring thoughts your way.....

Chiconky said...

I hope she comes soon.

Brenna said...

Have you noticed any animals around you more than usual lately? I believe some souls flutter around us for a while, guard us, keep an eye on things. My Godmother is a cardinal. I know how this sounds, but I believe it. XO

THE LETTS FAMILY said...

OK. I'm going to be tough on you here. Bridget. You NEED to get some sleep. Remember when Brody was a baby and your sleep was constantly interrupted and consequently you had "Mommy Brain?" Well, that Mommy Brain is really Lack-of-Sleep-Brain. It is totally normal for you not to be able to sleep on your own right now. It is totally normal for your mind to be too busy to get good rest and to stop reeling. But you have to get some sleep. Take the pills, talk to you doctor. Your brain might not be emotionally ready for her to appear in your dreams. Brody's probably is. This is not like a death of a grandfather or an aunt. Your grief is incomparable. Just imagine if you hooked up those little tabs to your brain while you were sleeping right now. I bet they'd find that you never even allow yourself to enter deep sleep and I bet that is totally normal in these kinds of circumstances. Pleeeeeease, let yourself sleep. Let yourself go through the healing. Let your mind get some rest. And THEN, perhaps, your brain will let Avery visit. She'll know when you can handle it.

Sending Love, Healing Thoughts & Tranquility,
Erinn