Skip to main content

I Eat 80 Sugar Cubes A Day. And you?

This morning, at the only store open on my way to work, the normally crabby Check Out Clerk again, robotically scanned my items: much needed case of Coke (for the caffiene), much needed bag of PopChips (for the crunch), and much need small bag of M&M's (for the PMSing beast getting ready to rage inside my body).

Except this time, instead of heavily sighing before she rattled off the total in sales, she changed things up. Today, as I was rummaging through my purse for my debit card (mostly as an excuse to avoid eye contact) she said to me "You are just the cutest pregnant girl I've ever seen!" And I looked around to see who she was talking to because I. am. not. pregnant.

And she went on, "Just look at that cute little baby belly! You know, I've always hated girls like you - that look so cute pregnant. You an't even tell you're pregnant from the back. Me, well, I ballooned up so big no one could tell if the baby was coming out of my belly or my butt! hahahaha! So, how far along are you?"

"Not far enough." And then I swiped my card and typed in my pin number as she gushed on...

"So, is this your first?"

"Actually, I already have three children."

"Wow! You are going to be busy!!" And she handed my receipt.

So, I did what any normal 38-year old used to eat anything she wanted and never gained weight but who now sports the Bagel Belly of epic proportions mother of three who's youngest was over two and a half years old.... I called my Mom.

"So, I suppose this isn't the right time to tell you your father asked the same thing after you stopped over the other day." Umm... WHAT?!

And then I vented to my co-worker at work who said, "...but when you wear maternity clothes it's kind of misleading..." and I had to awkwardly explain how the shirts aren't actually maternity but rather cute and in-style but only if you imagine someone with an obviously nonexistant gut in them because it's my blubbery belly that's turning them into maternity shirts. Like that maxi dress I wore the other day thinking I was in style? Apparently not.

Although he did offer me a banana at lunch and offered to start walking with me to the top of this ridiculously tall cliff that's outside our office.

This intervention originally left me angry: they're so rude! Then depressed: what's happened to me? I'm hideous! I'll never leave the house again! To realistic: Alright. Let's make a plan.

I've only had 2 cans of Coca Cola today. This is my weakness. I love soda. Love. Love! LOVE! Like, I'm totally gonna ask it to marry me. For real! And I could probably drink a litre of soda in a day if I wasn't thinking about what I'm drinking. But then I thought knowledge is power and I calculated it and I drink three to four cans a day and that's up to 48 ounces which is 6 cups of soda a day. And then I looked at the sugar content and on one can it says 39 grams of sugar in one can - which is like 20 sugar cubes. So, basically today I learned that I eat 80 sugar cubes a day.

I am an addict and I need help.

My first goal is to cut the soda down to 1 can a day. This may get ugly. I could do the whole sugar-free stuff but it's in my best interest to stop the sugar.

My second goal is to get a pair of tennis shoes that don't cause blisters.

My third goal is to actually get in the pool and not sit on the side reading while the rest of the family swims.

My fourth goal is to research local fitness classes. Because one thing I know about me is that I have no self discipline. However, I am competitive. This means that if I'm running on a treadmill in my basement I'll quit the second I start breathing hard. But if I'm in a class with 10 other people I'm all heck, no, I ain't quitting!

And my fifth goal is to go to sleep at a decent time because I stay up way too late reading and then I have no energy to do anything... but man, do I read some good books!

Maybe as time goes on I'll add doing sit-ups. I'm still on the fence about that one.

Comments

You go girl!! Also, I found that the BEST way to exercise is while reading. Find somewhere that has a little stand thing on an exercise machine and ONLY let yourself read while you're huffing and puffing. It actually works. I actually wanted to go exercise because I was actually going to read for an hour. Good luck!!
Brenna said…
SLOW down, preggers. Start with the soda. If you don't fly into a homicidal rage (bonus though, you'll definitely lose weight in prison) THEN start the next steps. Also, eating is 80% of losing weight. So cut the Coke, hop in the pool, take it slow. Besides, at least you are adorable fake pregnant and not all bloaty fake pregnant.
Getrealmommy said…
I am fairly skinny and will always have a belly. I KNOW I should do situps, but I think I would rather be stabbed in the eye. Hate. Situps. HATE THEM!!!
Heather Bush said…
Congratulations on being adorable fake pregnant. Being a somewhat overweight person, I can tell you that there is nothing worse that when I was REALLY pregnant and people were afraid to mention my obviously pregnant belly, because they did not want to offend me.

Also, Adele has apparently been preggers for 7 months and no one noticed until she announced it.

So, my point is, you are obviously not huge fat, sodas are Satan's nectar, and any video game that incorporates exercise is incredibly addictive and will definitely get your heart rate going. Make V or the teen do it with you. Cheaper than a gym and (awwww) family bonding time!
Maxi dress. Empire waist dress/shirt. ALL highly fashionable and NOT maternity wear. They just don't understand.
Becca said…
I probably eat twice as many sugar cubes without even having sweetened drinks (DAMN YOU ICED CARAMEL LATTES). I need to do something too. Like stop baking.

That cashier was totally rude.

Popular posts from this blog

To the Very Last Person to Ever Touch My Daughter on Earth

You were the very last person to ever touch my daughter on earth. You took her stilled, silent body and you washed her. You changed her into the clothes I had brought over in a brown paper bag. Her favorite blue jeans, a bright blue t-shirt with a tank top underneath. Years later, I'd panic, convinced I had forgotten to bring fresh, clean underwear. I contacted the people at the funeral home - can you believe we've become such good friends? I was told that when a family forgets something like that, they simply discretely provide it.

You helped me to understand that it was okay to put fuzzy socks on her feet. You patiently slipped them on her.

You took the down comforter I passed to your hands and listened as I explained through choppy breaths and a stream of tears that she'd need to be wrapped up in it - like a burrito. Because that's how she watched TV. Burrito wrapped in her blanket.

You wrapped her up tightly. And you laid her down gently for the very last time.

I …

Just Pray

During a football game, when a serious injury occurs, all play stops. Players on the field and lining the sidelines immediately kneel. The stadium falls silent. I'm told, although there isn't a specific rule governing bystander protocol during an injury, being still keeps others from gathering around the injured player and getting in the way of people responding to the injury. It is also a sign of great respect. Somewhere in those stands is a mama whose heart just sank to her stomach and she's trying to breathe but nothing's coming. Her child is lying there, not moving, and she has no idea what's wrong.

When Avery died, it was as if the entire stadium of my world went silent. People had heard about the accident, word spread, whispering through phone calls and hushed run-in's at the grocery stores. It wasn't until I pressed publish on my first blog post that the stadium community let out a collective breath and began that slow clap as I began to slowly rise…

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot







The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…