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A Series of Perfectly Normal Texts Between Sisters

SISTER:  Alex wants you to see how he likes to read....

ME: Which is ironic because I read the SAME WAY! (Also I think I may need someone to call an ambulance.) 

SISTER: This is so funny!! Everyone is laughing. And the Teen Bean was so confused about what was going on in this picture. Hahahaha!

ME:  I don't know why it's funny. Big V just shook his head and LEFT ME HERE and now I can't feel my left leg. Or my spleen. I'll probably be paralyzed and horribly disfigured just because I tried to one-up an uber-flexible kid. Damn this getting older crap.

ME:  Also, I should note Big V didn't even ask me why I wanted him to take a picture of me reading all bent up like that. It's like he expects this.

SISTER:  LOL! I totally just snorted when I read this. And if I read it to explain the snort, [my husband] will look at me like I am not okay.

ME:  Oh, sure. That sounds just like you -- pretend to be the "normal" one just to make me look crazy, even though you totally started it. Just like that epic food fight or the time you gave the goats spa treatments.

SISTER:  Alex says: "oh, look what I started."  

(I think he was refrencing the fact that now the Teen Bean was reading all bent up, too, not the fact that he
somehow caused our old childhood memories that included Pork & Beans stuck to the kitchen ceiling and goats running through the house smothered in Salon Selectives Moisture Renewal hair conditioner to be brought up, because I'm pretty sure my sister would never tell any of her kids these stories. Probably because they actually have goats now and she wouldn't want Karma to give her a smackdown via her children, and her goats. Which is the exact same reason why I don't have any goats. Or Pork & Beans.)

ME:  Wait. Is she doing that utilizing her core muscles? I pulled the muscles in my torso. All of them. She shouldn't be allowed to play.

ME: This is how Smokey reads. She's not very flexible. 

And then I totally had to stop texting because when I was attempting to get the cat to bend up like the rest of us she totally freaked out and scratched out my corneas with her razor sharp talons. And by scratched out my corneas I mean looked at me with enormous amounts of disdain and also sighed. Also I had to stop texting because my sister never replied back. Probably because she was out with her goats to see if she could get a picture of them reading all bendy.

UPDATED:After I posted a link to my Facebook, my sister left me this message:
This seemed like a much more normal conversation before you made it available to your FB community.

To which I responded with:
We're like an example of how to encourage reading and become a literary family. They'll probably use us on posters at schools all across America. The only thing that would make this better is if we got a picture of Mom reading. Maybe with the help of the boys we could rig her up... then it would be like "Woah! 3 Generations Reading! Let's give this family an AWARD!"

So, if America would like to give us an award I would be more than happy to write an acceptance speech. Also, I would totally have a giveaway so one of my awesome readers could win the chance to accompany me to the fancy-schmancy dinner that would obviously be held in our family's honor. Because something tells me Big V will probably just want to stay home and watch sports. Because he never reads. Especially directions. But don't get me started because that always leads to the dysfunctional automatic garage door opener he installed which actually isn't very automatic at all.


Anonymous said…
Please. You should see how I read my briefs in Court! I would show you, but I can't have my phone in the courtroom, so pics are out. It is epic, though. Trust me.

Also? This makes me wish I had a sister. My brother usually sends me texts like: "I'm getting another divorce." "I'm interviewing for yet another job. This one is sure to be the perfect one." "Can you help me with _______________?" (I get that one A LOT).

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