Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A little love...

I sent V a text letting him know we had another doctor's appointment this afternoon. It's a fun one because they'll do an ultrasound. I've been nervous because with my other pregnancies I underwent a plethora of ultrasounds, to the point I'd just hop on the table, lube up, and expertly swirl the magic wand around myself. This doctor is a minimalist: we had the initial "yep, it's a blob!" and the 20-week "So, do you want to find out the sex?" ultrasounds, but then absolutely nothing for the next four months. Now I'm nervous. What if something is wrong and they should have told us three months ago?

V, of course, oozes optimism. On more than one occasion I've accused him of living in a Fairy Land where nothing ever goes wrong, nobody ever gets hurt, and nothing bad ever happens to anyone. So, when I sent him the confirmation text I shouldn't have been surprised when I received:

Sweet! I can see our baby and his or her heart and head and arms and feet....

To which I appropriately replied:

If it still has all those parts....

Not to be affected by my negative attitude he responded with:

Well, let's hope he's not a cannibal and eating his own body parts. That would be creepy.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If ever I become unexpectantly unemployed, I know I shall have success as a Bank Robber Planner. I don't actually know if I could get paid for that, probably only with stolen money, which would eventually be tracked back to me and cause great hassles for me and my family, but if need be, the skill is there. I don't actually want to commit the crime itself, per se, just plan it out.

Big V and I are becoming very skilled in the Art of Avoidance as well as Pondering All Possibilities. We are currently undergoing intense reviews in regards to "The Labor."

The Labor will be soon. Whether tonight or a few weeks from now, it's bound to happen, and we need to be ready.

I have the easy-going family. The "who cares if you lose an eye; you've got another one" type. I could show up at my parent's house a month after I had the baby and they'd be like Oh, Look! You had the baby! There is no threat or worry that they would disown me. Now, V's family is more like You've been in labor for eleven minutes and yet you didn't call?!

V & I both agree that what we don't need is forteen extra people crowding the delivery room while I attempt to push out life form. I can see it now, Well, she's been pushing now for two hours, V. We're getting hungry. Is there any way you can tell her to speed this up? Um... I can hear you!

Practicing due diligence we've forewarned every one of our wishes. We wish to be alone at the hospital and just concentrate on the giving birth part rather than the entertaining guests aspect of our 24-hour stay. We wish to hold our newborn baby in our arms first, rather than pass the poor child around through set after set of arms filled with germs among coughing, slobbering children who think they're big enough and strong enough to hold a baby on their own. We wish to be able to get up and hobble across the room to the bathroom without worrying if those fishnet grannie panties are flashing the peanut gallery. (Ok, I wish that one. V wasn't even aware of what happens after the birth...)

So here's our plan so far: Casually drop the girls off at my sister's or mother's house on a Friday night after work under the pretense of going to some adult establishment and then hightail it to the hospital. Call around two a.m. pretending to be too drunk to drive safely home. Ask if the girls can spend the night... or two (since we'll obviously be too "hung over" to be effective parents on Saturday). Sunday afternoon pick the girls up with an extra baby already in the car. Introduce new sibling.

Of course, this only works if that's when I actually go into labor. Odds are good though: Jelly Bean was a Saturday, Dotter was a Friday evening.

If it's during the work day I have to get out of there without the office crew catching on. The word will get out way too quick. Luckily for me I already have kids. Kids that are prone to last minute sicknesses and accidents - and I will use that as an excuse.

Obviously I need to grab V's attention while he's at work, but his boss happens to be married to one of V's Mother's Friends.... you can see the gossip wheel spinning already, can't you. Now, imagine the guilt trip V will be forced to ride if someone other than his mother finds out before her that he's headed to the hospital. Can't you imagine the quandry? Quite a quandry indeed.

To handle the "How to get out of work without letting the boss know the reason why" issue, we've decided that I'll send a quick text that reads NOW! At that moment, V will orchestrate a minor finger gnashing with the table saw. Not enough to lose a finger, but bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER. (We are headed in that direction anyway. A few stitches won't kill him.)

Ok, so there are some kinks we need to work through, but we're working on them. I'm sure everything will work out just the way it was meant to...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

I Survived!

The Forced Couples Baby Shower was not as bad as it could have been. A bit odd that V's mother insisted she had no idea who was invited, yet when people started filing in it was very apparent she had supplied a list of names and addresses to her friends. I must admit to feeling incredibly uncomfortable as V and I were handed gifts by people we were just meeting. To be fair, they seemed just as uncomfortable handing gifts to people they were just meeting.

A few odd comments here and there from V's mother and sister. I was being introduced to one lady standing next to V's mom when Mommy Dearest turned and announced, "This is only the second time I've seen her since she became pregnant." Now, this is a flat out lie, but I suppose you don't get quite the dramatic and pained response from, "I've made their life a living hell upon learning they were expecting, and she finally stopped coming around two months ago when she realized I will never let up..."

His sister told me to please call when we have the baby because they would love to know if it's a boy or a girl, but she's not telling us how to to things, it's just that it would be nice to know the name of someone they're related to, but to please do whatever we feel comfortable with.

Can we get any more passive?

All in all it wasn't a horrible experience. I didn't quite understand the American Flag cake, but I suppose we are increasing the overall citizenship of America by one, so perhaps it was fitting. We've got a jump on diapers and baby wipes thanks to Dave & Sarah. I cannot thank them enough for listening to what we needed and pulling through for us. It's a tough time with back to school supplies for my two existing children, clothes, school registration fees, etc., so we truly do appreciate the ginormous box of diapers!