Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If ever I become unexpectantly unemployed, I know I shall have success as a Bank Robber Planner. I don't actually know if I could get paid for that, probably only with stolen money, which would eventually be tracked back to me and cause great hassles for me and my family, but if need be, the skill is there. I don't actually want to commit the crime itself, per se, just plan it out.

Big V and I are becoming very skilled in the Art of Avoidance as well as Pondering All Possibilities. We are currently undergoing intense reviews in regards to "The Labor."

The Labor will be soon. Whether tonight or a few weeks from now, it's bound to happen, and we need to be ready.

I have the easy-going family. The "who cares if you lose an eye; you've got another one" type. I could show up at my parent's house a month after I had the baby and they'd be like Oh, Look! You had the baby! There is no threat or worry that they would disown me. Now, V's family is more like You've been in labor for eleven minutes and yet you didn't call?!

V & I both agree that what we don't need is forteen extra people crowding the delivery room while I attempt to push out life form. I can see it now, Well, she's been pushing now for two hours, V. We're getting hungry. Is there any way you can tell her to speed this up? Um... I can hear you!

Practicing due diligence we've forewarned every one of our wishes. We wish to be alone at the hospital and just concentrate on the giving birth part rather than the entertaining guests aspect of our 24-hour stay. We wish to hold our newborn baby in our arms first, rather than pass the poor child around through set after set of arms filled with germs among coughing, slobbering children who think they're big enough and strong enough to hold a baby on their own. We wish to be able to get up and hobble across the room to the bathroom without worrying if those fishnet grannie panties are flashing the peanut gallery. (Ok, I wish that one. V wasn't even aware of what happens after the birth...)

So here's our plan so far: Casually drop the girls off at my sister's or mother's house on a Friday night after work under the pretense of going to some adult establishment and then hightail it to the hospital. Call around two a.m. pretending to be too drunk to drive safely home. Ask if the girls can spend the night... or two (since we'll obviously be too "hung over" to be effective parents on Saturday). Sunday afternoon pick the girls up with an extra baby already in the car. Introduce new sibling.

Of course, this only works if that's when I actually go into labor. Odds are good though: Jelly Bean was a Saturday, Dotter was a Friday evening.

If it's during the work day I have to get out of there without the office crew catching on. The word will get out way too quick. Luckily for me I already have kids. Kids that are prone to last minute sicknesses and accidents - and I will use that as an excuse.

Obviously I need to grab V's attention while he's at work, but his boss happens to be married to one of V's Mother's Friends.... you can see the gossip wheel spinning already, can't you. Now, imagine the guilt trip V will be forced to ride if someone other than his mother finds out before her that he's headed to the hospital. Can't you imagine the quandry? Quite a quandry indeed.

To handle the "How to get out of work without letting the boss know the reason why" issue, we've decided that I'll send a quick text that reads NOW! At that moment, V will orchestrate a minor finger gnashing with the table saw. Not enough to lose a finger, but bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER. (We are headed in that direction anyway. A few stitches won't kill him.)

Ok, so there are some kinks we need to work through, but we're working on them. I'm sure everything will work out just the way it was meant to...

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