Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Trapeze Artist

Assuming I could garner the strength to climb to the tippy top of the ladder, and assuming I would be able to stand, toes on edge, overlooking the vastness of black depth, and assuming I could step off, fingers wrapped white-tight around the bar of the trapeze swing... assuming I could swing - assuming I would swing.... Oh! How I would swing!

Back and forth like waves of breath and life and joy and goodness, over the top of the mountain and back again! Swinging to allow my soul to fly and my heart to beat feel-good rhythms of wind that brings laughter. Oh! How I would swing!

 And yet, the back and forth swinging would not be enough. No. It would not.

Because repetition is good in the beginning when taking baby steps of learning, but it is not enough to sustain you when God gives you a world to break open and explore.

Back and forth simply becomes back. And forth.

And the heart heaves heavy with more-wanting and the joy seeps out with the tired ache of the muscles and the eyes whisper sadly, we have seen this already.

And then it is time.

NOW!

The upside-down voice from the other swing - he, too, swinging back and forth, towards you then back again, legs bent, feet hooked, arms outstretched, yelling, NOW!

Let go now and fly to me.

Let go now and trust in me.

Let. Go. Now.

I look at the trapeze artist, suspended in air, (suspended in fear), and will them on, yes! Now! Let go now! In order for it to be spectacular you must let go!

And it is I on the swing and I in the fear and I hearing the voice whisper, don't miss this moment. Let go.

But I might miss.

I might wait a second too long or let go a tad too soon and I might miss.

And then what?

I fall.

I fall.

And fall.

And fall.

But you know what?

There is that net at the bottom. Stretched out arms wide, smiling, welcoming me home. I've got you. You might fall; but I will always catch you.

And so it is, that the time has come for me to Let Go Now. And I might make it. I might just swing across and grab tight the arms to take me flying, laughing, to the other side. But I also might miss. And I might fall into the arms of God Almighty who will wipe my tears and calm my fears and point me back to the ladder again... but either way, I am letting go.

********

Eight and a half years ago I accepted a job. It was a wonderful position and I was so excited to learn and grow and develop. But something happened through those years of employment. Back and forth we went. Never doing any more than what had already been done. I missed being challenged. I missed learning. I missed getting together to creatively solve a problem or create something new. I missed using my mind and my intelligence. I missed being allowed to grow.

And so, I told Matt, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot walk into this one single day more. Life is short. God knows how I have learned this truth! And the world is huge and there are people to meet and land to explore and so many things I want to learn. And Matt said, "okay, then quit."

And I said, "you're ridiculous. There is a salary to consider and health insurance and... and... I have no plan!"

And Matt said, "we'll figure it out."

And I looked at him and thought this guy is nuts. "Don't you understand what this will do to our financial situation?" And he replied, "maybe not. But I do understand what this is doing to your happiness."

And so I gave my resignation.

With no plan whatsoever.

It is, by far, one of the stupidest things I have ever done, and I am including the time I pretended I was married to some guy I had never met before just to get backstage at a concert where Ted Nugent almost murdered me in the back of an ambulance.

And yet I have let go. I am suspended in air between swings, between sky and ground, not knowing what will happen: will I be caught strongly and taken to flight? Or will I fall, fall, fall only to have to make the long climb up the ladder again? I do not know.

But I do know this: I feel freaking AWESOME!