Skip to main content

The Trapeze Artist

Assuming I could garner the strength to climb to the tippy top of the ladder, and assuming I would be able to stand, toes on edge, overlooking the vastness of black depth, and assuming I could step off, fingers wrapped white-tight around the bar of the trapeze swing... assuming I could swing - assuming I would swing.... Oh! How I would swing!

Back and forth like waves of breath and life and joy and goodness, over the top of the mountain and back again! Swinging to allow my soul to fly and my heart to beat feel-good rhythms of wind that brings laughter. Oh! How I would swing!

 And yet, the back and forth swinging would not be enough. No. It would not.

Because repetition is good in the beginning when taking baby steps of learning, but it is not enough to sustain you when God gives you a world to break open and explore.

Back and forth simply becomes back. And forth.

And the heart heaves heavy with more-wanting and the joy seeps out with the tired ache of the muscles and the eyes whisper sadly, we have seen this already.

And then it is time.


The upside-down voice from the other swing - he, too, swinging back and forth, towards you then back again, legs bent, feet hooked, arms outstretched, yelling, NOW!

Let go now and fly to me.

Let go now and trust in me.

Let. Go. Now.

I look at the trapeze artist, suspended in air, (suspended in fear), and will them on, yes! Now! Let go now! In order for it to be spectacular you must let go!

And it is I on the swing and I in the fear and I hearing the voice whisper, don't miss this moment. Let go.

But I might miss.

I might wait a second too long or let go a tad too soon and I might miss.

And then what?

I fall.

I fall.

And fall.

And fall.

But you know what?

There is that net at the bottom. Stretched out arms wide, smiling, welcoming me home. I've got you. You might fall; but I will always catch you.

And so it is, that the time has come for me to Let Go Now. And I might make it. I might just swing across and grab tight the arms to take me flying, laughing, to the other side. But I also might miss. And I might fall into the arms of God Almighty who will wipe my tears and calm my fears and point me back to the ladder again... but either way, I am letting go.


Eight and a half years ago I accepted a job. It was a wonderful position and I was so excited to learn and grow and develop. But something happened through those years of employment. Back and forth we went. Never doing any more than what had already been done. I missed being challenged. I missed learning. I missed getting together to creatively solve a problem or create something new. I missed using my mind and my intelligence. I missed being allowed to grow.

And so, I told Matt, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot walk into this one single day more. Life is short. God knows how I have learned this truth! And the world is huge and there are people to meet and land to explore and so many things I want to learn. And Matt said, "okay, then quit."

And I said, "you're ridiculous. There is a salary to consider and health insurance and... and... I have no plan!"

And Matt said, "we'll figure it out."

And I looked at him and thought this guy is nuts. "Don't you understand what this will do to our financial situation?" And he replied, "maybe not. But I do understand what this is doing to your happiness."

And so I gave my resignation.

With no plan whatsoever.

It is, by far, one of the stupidest things I have ever done, and I am including the time I pretended I was married to some guy I had never met before just to get backstage at a concert where Ted Nugent almost murdered me in the back of an ambulance.

And yet I have let go. I am suspended in air between swings, between sky and ground, not knowing what will happen: will I be caught strongly and taken to flight? Or will I fall, fall, fall only to have to make the long climb up the ladder again? I do not know.

But I do know this: I feel freaking AWESOME!


Rebecca said…
My jaw is on the floor, but I'm so freaking happy for you. And insanely jealous. And excited. And I wanna do that!

I wish you alllll the best in your new adventure!

You will... just keep listening for the voice to tell you when. :)
You will... just keep listening for the voice to tell you when. :)
SparksFlying said…
Congratulations on peeling your knuckles off that bar to let go....that took a huge amount of courage. And Kudos to Matt for being supportive - what a great partner in life you have there. Wishing you all the best - and yes, you'll figure it out, and He will provide for your every need. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
I want to hear more about the Ted Nugent experience. :)

Popular posts from this blog

The House that God Built

in·stan·ta·ne·ous /ˌinstənˈtānēəs/ adjective 1. occurring or done in an instant or instantly.
synonyms: immediate, instant, on-the-spot

The thing is, she died so sudden.
I didn't have the chance to plead with God, to make all the irrational promises. If he would just let her be okay.... I would start taking better care of my health. I would be nicer to the neighbor that drove me crazy. I would always let someone else go in front of me at Walmart no matter how long the line was. I wouldn't complain. Ever. I would volunteer at the Homeless Shelter. I would clean up after pigs. I would clip the toenails of the elderly. I would do anything and everything He would ask me to do....
There is a box on her death certificate that captures the amount of time between the initial injury and the time of death. It reads "seconds." I wish it read "instantaneous" because she deserves a clever word like that.
Fast forward five years.... definitely taking MUCH longer than "…

Seeing Avery All Grown Up

One day I'll tell you about the freezing cold we left and the heavy bags we lugged, full of supplies and medicines. I'll tell you about arriving in Port au Prince and walking across a cracked concrete parking lot to board an old school bus with a flat tire. How the heat was suffocating after months of below zero Wisconsin winter weather, how the people crowded and walked too close to moving traffic as we searched for a tire shop that was barely more than a couple men sitting on overturned 5-gallon buckets on the side of the road next to a pile of old tires, everything covered in dirt.

I'll tell you about waiting on the bus while they removed the tire and I'll recall the loud explosion that rocked the bus and scared the life out of me and how I was relieved to learn it was just the tire blowing after being filled too far. (They didn't have any gauges.) And then I'll tell you about the fear I felt when I realized we didn't have a tire and we were stuck on th…

When Your Imagined Life is Nothing Like This One

There were so many ways I imagined my adult life would be....THIS is not one of them.
I posted that on my Facebook wall last night. It might have been seen as funny except my choice of hashtags gave me away:
treading water getting nowhere piles of disappointment not many successes worn out and exhausted out of options

I always imagined my life would be thrilling. Full of exciting adventures and people from all over the world. I would dine at Ethiopian, Thai, and Indian restaurants. I would write books, teach English, coach forensics and direct the play. My husband would be charming and funny and not care about gender roles when it came to household chores. He would beg for at least six kids and I would fall in love with him all over again each time I caught him giving good life advice.
I would take photographs and travel the world documenting the people I came across. I would adopt a sibling group of three or maybe four and work on foster care policies because the ones we have aren't work…