Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Summer School: Sign Up Today!

After I hold the How To Change The Toilet Paper Roll So You Can Immediately Tell If You're Completely Out Of Toilet Paper And Run To The Store And Buy More Before Someone Else Happens To Get Stranded On The Pot At 11:30 At Night class I'll be holding the How To Effectively Wrap Up Deli Meat So It Doesn't Get All Dried Out And Crusty class.

If things advance at the rate they should, I'll be moving on to the How To Throw Out The Wrappers Of The Three Popsicles You Ate While The Rest Of The Family Was Sleeping And Not Leave The Sticky Mess On The Arm Of The Couch class.

With enough luck we might even get to the How To Refill The Water Pitcher And Not Put The Stupid Empty Container Back In The Fridge Like a Complete Idiot class.

I hope to someday hold Master Classes in:
  • How To Actually Wipe Off The Crumbs From The Cutting Board And Not Just Push The Board Back Into The Little Slot Under The Counter Acting Like It's Not Filthy And Attracting Massive Amounts Of Ants While We Speak

  • I Don't Care What You Claim Is Making That Shirt Crusty There's No Way I'm Touching It To Turn It Right-Side-Out So You'd Better Just Do It Yourself

  • Guess What? We Have Kids And They Like To Eat, Too! How To Order Take-Out For An Entire Family And Not Just Show Up At Home With A Bag Full Of Yummy Food For Just Yourself