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After I hold the How To Change The Toilet Paper Roll So You Can Immediately Tell If You're Completely Out Of Toilet Paper And Run To The Store And Buy More Before Someone Else Happens To Get Stranded On The Pot At 11:30 At Night class I'll be holding the How To Effectively Wrap Up Deli Meat So It Doesn't Get All Dried Out And Crusty class.

If things advance at the rate they should, I'll be moving on to the How To Throw Out The Wrappers Of The Three Popsicles You Ate While The Rest Of The Family Was Sleeping And Not Leave The Sticky Mess On The Arm Of The Couch class.

With enough luck we might even get to the How To Refill The Water Pitcher And Not Put The Stupid Empty Container Back In The Fridge Like a Complete Idiot class.

I hope to someday hold Master Classes in:
  • How To Actually Wipe Off The Crumbs From The Cutting Board And Not Just Push The Board Back Into The Little Slot Under The Counter Acting Like It's Not Filthy And Attracting Massive Amounts Of Ants While We Speak

  • I Don't Care What You Claim Is Making That Shirt Crusty There's No Way I'm Touching It To Turn It Right-Side-Out So You'd Better Just Do It Yourself

  • Guess What? We Have Kids And They Like To Eat, Too! How To Order Take-Out For An Entire Family And Not Just Show Up At Home With A Bag Full Of Yummy Food For Just Yourself

Comments

Anonymous said…
May I hire your services to teach those classes in my home as well? I have 3 people who can probably use all of those lessons. I will pay handsomely. Ok, that's a lie, but I have lots of food that I would be willing to share. I at least know you will clean up the crumbs and throw away the wrappers once you are done.
Tina, said…
How about the a class on HOW TO PUT YOUR OUR OWN SHIT AWAY AND STOP ASSUMING: THAT AFTER WALKING PAST IT FOR THREE MONTHS, EVERY DAY, I FINALLY DECIDED TO HIDE IT FROM YOU.

or HOW TO CHECK TO SEE IF THE DOGS HAVE WATER BEFORE THEY DIE OF DEHYDRATION WHEN I AM AWAY FROM THE HOUSE.

or the Masters Class on HOW TO DETERMINE WHEN YOU ARE LOW ON UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE DRAWER, SO YOU CAN AVOID ANNOUNCING AT 5:00 AM THAT YOU USED YOUR LAST PAIR OF CLEAN UNDERWEAR YESTERDAY! THIS CLASS ALSO COVERS KNOWING WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING LOW ON DEODORANT THAT ONLY YOU USE, SO YOU ARE NEVER AGAIN FORCED TO USE SECRET, AFTER ALL IT IS STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT IT IS MADE TO SMELL NICE FOR WOMEN!
Heather Bush said…
Are you offering the entire series at a reduced rate? Will they be held in the large hole under your garage? Is food and beverage included in the class rate or should I send CapriSuns and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Brenna said…
Oh, that last one. That last one burns me up. Steve's only done it a couple of times, before the kid, and his reasoning was that he knows "You don't eat this junk." Well I guess not right now I don't.

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