Friday, December 3, 2010

Well, will ya look at that?

I'm amazed by the little things in life. Like the fact that the woman who watches Cletus the Used to be Fetus told me he likes to eat apples. Even the skins. And I'm all you can't feed a kid with four teeth an apple with skins! He'll choke and die! What is wrong with you, woman? And she looked at me like I'm some sort of crazy person as she whipped out a cheese grater and an organic Golden Delicious and proceeded to explain the mush in the bottom of the bowl is much better for the baby because it's all natural and there's no bad stuff added. And he ate it. Micro-mushed skins and all.

And how I can leave a very clean house and in less than two hours come back to a complete disaster, wondering why there are a pair of jeans dumped in the bathtub and a glass of milk, a 12-volt battery and a vacuum cleaner bag surrounded by metal clothes hangers on the living room floor.

Sometimes it's best not to wonder... easier just soak in the awe of it all...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's Beginning to Look a LOT Like Christmas. Right?

The Blessed Family has been incarcerated.

Visiting hours are on Wednesdays from 4pm-6pm and Saturdays from 1pm-5pm. Positive ID is required. Please note you must be on the visitors list. If you aren't on the visitation list you will not be allowed access to visit the inmate. God Bless, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays.

I suppose it is possible the plexiglass containment is for their own safety. Why people take off with the Baby Jesus from these displays I'll never understand. I think the lamb would be funnier. Look, Margaret! There's a lamb in our shower! That would totally make someone come running. But hey, check out Baby Jesus in our tub! just gets you Really, Henry? Baby Jesus? Go put that thing back in the park.

In other news, I'm contemplating becoming an Amish Jew because I'm tired of chasing the kid who keeps turning the TV off and knocking ornaments off the tree.

My 15-month old has learned how to turn the television off. And on. And off again. And on again. And off. And on. And - annoyed yet? Yeah, I thought you'd understand. When he's not flicking the tv on and off he's running over to the Christmas tree to shake the ornaments off. Don't bother telling me that any mother in their right mind would make sure the ornaments are on the upper half of the tree because they are. The problem comes in the fact that we don't have what one would consider a normal Christmas tree. Instead of an evergreen we decorated an artifical ficus, thus the natural, prickly, needled buffer along the bottom is missing. The kid can easily get his grubby little paws around that tree trunk and shake the sucker until things start dropping. If ever we're stranded on an island I'm sure he'll succeed in the coconut grab but until then someone needs to stop the little monkey. I leave that to Dotter. Here's how she keeps him occupied (although unsanitary, it seems to work):

Monday, November 29, 2010

Simple Gifts

Remember in high school when we were forced to sit in assembly and listen to someone who knew better tell us not to have sex because then we'd get pregnant and then you'd be stuck with that baby for like, forever? And they told you how stressful things were going to be. Things that we never really cared about anyway. Like, oh boy, if I get pregnant now, it might be stressful trying to graduate while taking care of a baby. Really? We were IN high school. Walking down the halls in jeans that weren't rolled just right was stressful. Being called on by Mr. Norder in biology large group was stressful because, let's be honest, no one listened to him teach so how were we to know how to actually answer a question when called upon?

Those talks did a great disservice. No one ever talked about the realities of the long term effect of having children. And by this I mean picking out Christmas gifts year after year. Sure, you might have yourself fooled into thinking you're the Hippest Mom in the County with your wrapped Baby Alive when your child was four.... but fast forward ten, eleven, twelve years later and what do you got? Nothing. You've got nothing, that's what. Because there is no teenager on the planet who is going to make Christmas buying easy.

Gone are the days of a big box with a fancy bow lighting up your innocent child's face. Simple gifts of a pretty necklace and a fancy shirt have been replaced with vague requests of materialistic gluttony. Kendra's mom spent over three hundred dollars on her Uggs last year. And that was just one gift. Oh, and my dad mentioned getting me a Mercedes, but I told him I'd rather have a candy apple red BMW Z4 sDrive30i convertible. So, what are you getting me?

Won't they be surprised when  the open up the big box of love I've packaged! Oh, they might think it's empty, but I know it'll be filled to the brim with love!

Unavoidable Sabbatical

I have returned from a most unavoidable sabbatical, wherein I was confined to the four walls of my bathroom for a few days. Upon my emergence, I was forced to take care of additional sickies and spent countless hours hauling blankets to the washing machine and hosing off both ends of a spewing baby. Suffice it to say, I did not necessarily enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday.

Here's a summary of the past week (other than the disgusting flu part):

Big V installed a killer floor at my parent's house. They've had the product sitting there for God knows how many months but had planned a Thanksgiving Working Feast Day so he could get help from the other boys in the family (half of which were also stricken with the flu). Big V realized my brother, Patrick, is a mathematical genius, especially when it comes to geometry, because the boy whipped out complicated trim pieces like he was tying shoelaces.

Dotter decorated the Christmas tree. Except it's not an actual Christmas tree, per se. It's more an artificial ficus. But the bows help make it look somewhat Christmas-y and as soon as wrapped presents get propped up around the cheap basket weave base no one will notice it's not an actual evergreen.

The Bean hid Dotter's snow pants. I'm still not understanding that one.

I did the polka 3 times. Each for 4 minutes and 21 seconds. Which is a lot of polka if you ask me.

I paid over $6 for one container of Oberweis Egg Nog. It was so worth it. Then I went online to and geeked out at all the egg nog recipes: Egg Nog French Toast. Egg Nog Cookies. Egg Nog Muffins. Egg Nog Pancakes.

The Bean ate the cool whip I was saving for the Pumpkin Pie. When I yelled, "That was for the pie!" she answered simply but I don't like pie as if that in and of itself explains why one would eat a tub of Cool Whip.

I watched so much HGTV that I now have 37 different bathrooms which need to be immediately installed and an irrational crush on Scott McGillivray.

Because I spent the first half of last week stuck in a cholera outbreak, I spent the last half of the week washing dishes and doing laundry. This was not that fun. Just in case you were wondering.