Stumbling Towards Perfect

Job not going right? Feel unappreciated and overlooked? Spill coffee on your new cream colored tights? Hair look ridiculous? Sister mad at you? Mother-in-law hate your guts? Boyfriend forgot your birthday? Car trouble? Missed a doctor appointment? Loose filling in your tooth? Dog run away? Mortgage company misapply your payment? Speeding ticket in a known speed trap? Neighbor's garbage cans out for the third day in a row? Can't get those concert tickets last minute? The holiday "it toy" completely sold out? Coworker throw you under the bus? Client humiliated you in a very public meeting? Teacher called you in because of your kid's behavior? A simple misunderstanding morphed out of control? There's a whole culture watching you quietly: we're the Mama's who have experienced a level of rough that frightens you. We're the ones you say, "I wouldn't be able to live..." after hearing our story. We hear your complaints and read your posts and...

Eight years ago I paced alone throughout a house wondering where my daughters were. An inquisitive 3-year old boy as my shadow. I remember feeling so utterly alone.  I called their phones. I sent texts. I posted on Facebook. I called my sister. I called the police. I called my mom. I drove to the church. I called the police again. I walked in circles. I panicked. I prayed. I answered the door. And my world went dark. I broke down. I broke apart. I broke empty. I broke completely. I broke alone. Then I lifted my head and let God in. There has been countess blessings and so much incredible joy from sweet friends and absolute strangers! So much goodness! My heart swells just thinking of it all! The Avery House in Haiti. The 19 Days. The Avery Step You Take 5K. To this day I still meet people who say, "wait - are you Avery's mom?" Her story and her love for Christ has reached the hearts of people from all over. How could this be possible except for such a good, good God?  And...

I have this theory that every one of us is born with missing pieces of our soul.  Throughout our lives we pick up different pieces - experiences, relationships, careers, hobbies - in the hopes that the piece fits and we become one step closer to whole. But sometimes we pick up pieces where the shape fits but it is obvious when we look at the color and pattern that it isn't supposed to belong there. I think it's especially this way with mental illness and addiction. There are so many shapes that match but they aren't right. In fact, if you leave them in place, you'll never be able to complete your soul.  Alcohol to take the edge off. Getting drunk by 4pm on a Tuesday. Hooking up with people you don't actually care for just because you're lonely or bored or, truthfully, just desperate to fill that empty spot. Smoking marijuana, snorting cocaine, popping oxycontin, xanax, ativan. Inappropriate behavior that hurts innocent people who didn't even know you a...

The other day a package, sent to me, from me, was delivered to my home. Except I didn’t actually send myself anything. So I had no idea what it was or who would send it or why they would. Inside was an anonymous note referencing Avery and The 19 Days and I’m not including the note because the sender went through great lengths to remain anonymous and therefore I’m respecting that and no one will be able to scrutinize the handwriting. Because it isn’t really about trying to figure out who sent it. It’s about allowing yourself to just feel loved and cared for. In this case, allowing myself to just feel loved and cared for. Because the truth is, I’ve been craving that for a long time. Years and years, really. And I kind of forgot what it was like - to just receive. To just accept. To just think about how someone, somewhere, thought about me and said, “I think she’d like this.” So they took out their money and purchased something that was perfect for me when they could hav...

I think we need to talk about the desert. Real talk. As a Christian, we've heard this story a thousand times. The Israelites, God's Chosen People - special, marked, loved, cared for - were exiled into the desert where, although not ideal, God took care of them. We learned how daily God performed miracles just for them! He made manna (bread) fall from the sky so they could eat and he brought water out of a rock to quench their thirst! But they weren't thrilled about it. They whined. They complained. They felt they deserved more. They forgot to say thank you. And, as every good Christian girl and boy does, we reacted in shock! How could they not see their God providing for them?! How could they be so ungrateful? How could they lose faith in their great and holy Father? How could they forget who He was and how much He loved them? We would never act like that! We would learn from them! We would not let down our God with our short memories of who He is and what He p...

Based on evidence from radiometric age-dating of meteorite material, the earth is about 4.543 billion years old. I am 46. By this point in my life I have slept away at least 15-years, but it's actually probably closer to twenty. If I remain healthy, I have about thirty good years left, but I still have to sleep. If I were to be honest, I would admit I have spent the majority of my life in a state of reaction to someone or something else. I am not exactly known as a trailblazer or a leader. I will happily pass the leadership baton to someone else and let them decide what my life should look like. Where should we eat? You decide. Where should we vacation? You pick. What should holidays look like? I guess I'll just deal with whatever you come up with. I have always had these grand plans to pick up and move to someplace quaint and quirky, fall in love with a man who was much more level-headed and rational than I, and have a bunch of kids that would be the pride of my heart....