Stumbling Towards Perfect

This afternoon I was driving through town and caught a glimpse of the sun in the sky. It's cold here in Wisconsin. Snow has fallen, but the sun came out, temperatures warmed and snow turned to water. The sky had been hazy. Foggy, almost. But there, in the middle of the sky, was the most perfect circle of light. The sphere was so bright. The edges clean and crisp. Like someone had literally drawn a perfect circle and shaded it bright. I pulled off to the side of the road to take a photo of it. I grabbed my phone, took off my sunglasses, and exited the car to find the perfect shot. Except the sun circle was gone. Vanished. In it's place was a bright haze of light among the fog and clouds but nothing like the amazing, perfectly shaped sphere in the sky. Disappointed, I hopped back in my car. Pulled on my sunglasses and took one last glance out my window before putting the car in drive. And there it was again! It was my sunglasses that allowed me to see (forgive me, b...

I find the easiest way to learn about people is to listen to what they have to say. Everyone has something to say. It's just that sometimes, they stop talking out loud once they feel no one's listening. When I go to Haiti {I've been three times now}, I find myself sitting quietly a lot. Just sitting. Sooner or later a kid or two will show up. Then another. And another. Usually it's the boys. Mostly they talk about silly things. Teasing each other about their hair and who is going to "grow it tall." Laughing about who was outwitted on the soccer field. They're all boy; hitting and nudging and pushing and bumping into each other. But other times they grow silent. Quiet. Like they're thinking so hard about things but aren't sure how to talk about it. Like saying it out loud will somehow cause them to lose their train of thought. And so we sit. Not saying anything at all. Side by side. And then there are the times when they're full o...

I have a friend who struggles with drinking. Not the consumption part; but, rather with the stopping part. Now, to be fair, it's not an every day occurrence. They are able to hold down a really nice job, they own their own home and are actually quite respected in the community amongst their peers. It's just those times when they start drinking - they can't seem to stop. We were introduced a thousand years ago (or perhaps less) when I, too, was still in my let's get dressed up and dance until closing time stage. I loved dancing. And I didn't need to drink in order to do it. Although I did. Fruity drinks. Southern and Cokes. The random shot encouraged by a friend with a camera:  Let's all do one! Hold on - let's get the bartender to take our picture! Because bartenders love doing that. Eventually, I moved past that stage. I met a guy. Fell in love. Wanted to settle down and start a real family (not the single mom thing I had been doing). I wanted to get...

I haven't written in a while because I haven't known how. Let me be honest, Year 2 is harder than Year 1. It means I'm starting Year 3 and, well, I don't really look forward to another year without. On the first anniversary of Avery's death we released balloons. Hundreds of balloons.  And it was good! This year, I wanted to do something not so public. So, I went to Haiti and celebrated life with my sponsor son. And it was good! And then I came home and my world was thrown upside down - and it was awful. And then came that slow realization that it had been upside down the entire time; I had simply been trying to force it upright for the past seven years.  And my soul was exhausted.  And my heart wouldn't hurt anymore. And even disappointment didn't affect me.  I sat in a daze for a good long while before realizing I could sit and stare at walls until I could scream in hurt before staring at walls again until ...