Stumbling Towards Perfect

If you take one cup of flour and mix it with two cups of water, you'll create a globby, grey paste. It's sticky. It's messy. It doesn't look good and you can't eat it. What good is a sticky glue that hardens across your hands? That leaves your stomach empty? Put that flour and water aside and go search for some oil. Maybe you have some in your pantry. Maybe not. Maybe you have to drive to the super market. But your car broke. So, now you have to walk. And it's cold. And rainy. But you set out anyway. And as you walk your body gets tired because it's cold and wet. But you don't stop. You keep walking. And then you finally make it to the store, only to find out they're closed. So you pull up your hood a bit tighter around your ears and set off for the next store. And maybe the wind picked up and you kind of want to just fall to the ground defeated. But what good would that do? So you keep walking. And your feet are...

I'm always learning something about grieving - mostly that it's never done, but people want you to be. I'm well aware of the awkward glances between people if I dare to mention Avery. The flick of the eyes that say here we go again and aren't we done with this yet ? I suppose that makes sense, especially the way I was brought up. In our family you don't dwell on things you can't control. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get going. You don't stand around talking about how sad something made you feel or how you ache with every fiber of your being. You're not the only one with problems, the world is filled with people with problems, so what makes yours so special? In our family you move on . I suppose it would be easier if I were quieter. Didn't talk as much. Didn't put my stuff out there for everyone to read. I suppose it would be easier if I quietly slipped out my front door and into the Land of the Living trying my hardest to ble...

If you've been following this blog, you know about the letter to Alphonsine . Twelve days before Avery's death we attended a Christian concert in Madison. Jamie Grace was opening and tobyMac was headlining. The lobby was filled with tables of merchandise - artist t-shirts, posters, CDs, bracelets - anything and everything you could think of! There were also some tables from the Food for the Hungry  network. Pictures of starving children from third world countries smiled up from every surface. Avery told me we needed to sponsor a child. I suggested we look at the CDs. She insisted; I relented. We walked out of there the proud sponsors of a 15-year old girl from Rwanda. I thought, all these beautiful faces of little kids and Avery picks a fifteen year old . You see, I was spending a LOT of time trying to undo what God placed on Avery's heart. I thought I knew what was best... you'd get more for your money purchasing a music CD than you would a printout of a child...