Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Waiting to See

Last week I was at an eye appointment where it was deemed necessary to dilate my eyes. I was assured that within two hours things would be back to normal.

Except they weren't.

My world remained fuzzy and out of focus throughout the majority of the day. My eyes were abnormally sensitive to light, even in the grey drizzle of the rain. I was uncomfortable and out of sorts.

And I was angry.

Angry because I hadn't planned on any of this. I had work waiting on my desk and I needed my eyes to review the plans and write the reports. I hadn't planned on not being able to see the computer screen and I could barely type out a text message complaining about my now aching head.

Nothing looked right or felt right or was right. I was frustrated because I felt so helpless -- I couldn't do anything to speed up the process of getting back to normal.

Then it dawned on me. I could be angry and rant and let my frustration boil over in epic proportions - or I could trust the doctor. He had assured me, hadn't he? That while my vision was going to get worse for a bit, that it would, in time, become clear once again. And all I had to do was wait. I had no guarantee other than the gentle, comforting promise of the one who knows.

So I waited to see. I waited in trust.


When Avery died, I heard it over and over: someday - not now, but one day, the haze will lift and your new normal will emerge. Just give it time. I was told not to fight it, but to roll with it. Cry when I needed to, talk when I needed to, stay still when I needed to, scream when I needed to. But don't force it. Don't try to snap your fingers for an immediate fix. Time was the only thing that would heal this shattered heart.

Our lives are filled with moments when everything suddenly shifts out of focus: a death. A divorce. A diagnosis. Unemployment, a fight with a treasured friend, a call in the middle of the night. A moment when we realize that the place we have stood in comfort for so long is suddenly unrecognizable. We become a stranger to our own lives. Nothing, no matter how hard we squint, looks the way it used to. And that can feel unbelievably scary.


In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.
Psalm 86:7


But we can put our trust in the One who knows. God promises us that He's going to get things back into focus. It might not look exactly the same way as we remember, but it's in focus.

I think about all the times my life has gone out of focus: an abusive relationship, custody dispute, a failed marriage, an unexpected death, a scary diagnosis.... and always, always, has the time come when I could see again. It just took time. And it meant that even though I desperately wanted things to get better this very second and even though I didn't feel anything was happening fast enough and even though I hated every uncomfortable, hurting moment I was experiencing and even though I was scared of what my future might look like, I had to trust that the One who holds my heart was the One who was going to make all things right and would do so in His time. I had to wait in trust. And waiting can be hard. But my heart always emerged more perceptive, more compassionate, more caring than it was before because now it focused on the things that matter.


There is a healing and growth that comes from the times when life is hazy.

There is a strength and courage that grows from the times when life is hazy.

There is a future and hope that emerges during the times when life is hazy.




Sure enough - although it was well into the night by the time it happened, it did happen. I don't know exactly when it did, only that around 7:00 that night I looked up and realized hey! I can see again! It had taken much longer than I expected, much longer than I had wanted, but my vision was where it needed to be and my surroundings became clear once again.