Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thanks to Wikipedia I'm going through opioid withdrawal.

This morning I spent twenty minutes at my local Walgreens attempting to procure the necessary tiger blood and Adonis DNA medication I would need to kick this nasty virus out of my system. Medication aisles can be very intimidating because it's hard to concentrate on 8,467 of something when you can barely hold your eyes open and also when you can't stand without swaying. Luckily I came prepared with my symptoms written on a piece of paper:


You have to come prepared because the medication assholes gods have created a plethora of symptom combinations to pick from and if you're not on your A Game then fuhgitaboutit. You're missing a symptom and still feeling like crap. Who's winning now? Not you.

And so I found the perfect item(s):

See how it says "long acting" and also "relieves cough: up to 8 hours" and "runny nose?" It's like the medication gods knew that was EXCATLY what I needed. And also kudos to the Mountain Dew marketing team for enticing me into the unnecessary purchase of a throwback. As if I can tell whether or not it's made with real sugar. Please. I'll believe anything printed on a package. Did you see my Robitussin purchase? Exactly my point.

I take the recommended dosage and voilĂ ! Three hours later I'm still hacking and sticking tissue up my nostrils to stop the rhinorrhea, which, according to Wikipedia is what we commonly refer to as a "runny nose." Wikipedia also goes on to say rhinorrhea is a symptom of the common cold and allergies and also can be a sign of opioid withdrawal!

Not having a lot of experience in the illecit drug world, I click the opiods link in Wikipedia where I learn that the side effects of opioids include sedation, respiratory depression and constipation.

I feel like I can't move any muscle in my body via the will of my own brain so I'm pretty sure I can check sedated off the list. I have no idea what respiratory depression is, but I'm pretty sure I feel bummed that I have this cough so I'll just go ahead and check that off, too. And while I can't remember the last time I went Number 2, I'm pretty sure that could either be because I don't actually keep track of that stuff or because I'm constipated. I don't know because I'm too sedated to feel anything.

Anyhoo - thanks to my Wiki research I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing opioid withdrawal which totally sucks because obviously that's why the seven dollar bottle of Robitussin isn't working. I could try to bring it back to the store and get my money back; but like Walgreens would really give cash to a druggie. Is that even how you spell druggie? Or is it druggy? No, I think it's I feel druggy because I am a druggie. Don't quote me though because you can never trust someone who uses drugs. Lying is part of the disease. I'd gladly do some research on the proper spelling and usage of the term except I need to find a rehab center to check myself into because I am never going to survive this without help. And guess what, Charlie Sheen? I do believe in getting help. That is what makes me a winner.

UPDATE: Every muscle in my body now aches. I'm pretty sure I was beaten in a drug deal gone bad. Except I wouldn't remember because I was too high to know what was going on around me. Also I want a big bag of Cheetos. What could this mean?!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Drop off circles may just be the bane of my existence.

I don't get it. We can successfully send a man to the moon but no one on this planet can figure out how to design a functional pick-up/drop-off lane at school.

The rules for our school's "circle" are simple: Move Quickly, People.

This means that no, you may not put your car in park, hop out and walk your child to the door of his classroom located at the other side of the building.

It's bad enough cars are passing when they shouldn't be and kids are almost getting creamed on a regular basis as they try to exit the cars, but really, it doesn't help when you park. And then leave your own car.

It's a drop off circle.

That means you drop the kid off and then you drive away. Quickly.

The drop off circle is meant for those mom's who just want to get away and enjoy the silence that sweeps through the car the second that kid gets out. Mom's like me.

I get that you're a much better mom than all those other pathetic mothers (im)patiently waiting their turn in the drop-off circle while you walk hand in hand with your child to their classroom, warmly greeting the teacher each and every morning; but know that we are much better Rule Followers than you and you never know if they'll be handing out awards for that. But if they do, I'm pretty sure you will not be nominated. Just sayin'.

Monday, February 28, 2011

I'd wrap my feet in toilet paper but that just looks dumb.

Let me get right to the point: there is no way I'm going to be able to afford socks if I can't figure out a way to save money on toilet paper.

I pulled into the gas station this morning to fill my tank. Gas today was $3.36 a gallon. $3.36 a gallon! Which makes me feel curmudgeonly complaining about it but you should know when I started driving it was something like 16 cents a gallon. Sixteen cents!

Believe it or not, I don't like feeling curmudgeonly even though most people assume I do because of the perpetual crease in my forehead but it's not me glaring at you, I swear - I just can't hear or see very well and I have to focus really hard on what's going on, resulting in the aforementioned Glare Creases. And plus my mind is always wandering so I have to really, really focus on what people are saying which causes the Glare Creases to deepen and make me look really pissed off. But I'm not, I swear. Well, sometimes I actually am really pissed off but the good news is you'll never know it because you'll just assume I can't see or hear or concentrate.

Anyway, I'm not very wealthy and I'd rather buy Starbucks and books and fantastic socks with my weekly pittance rather than spend it all on boring stuff like gas for my car. The higher the price of gas goes the less socks I get to buy. See my conundrum? [note: this is the first time I've ever actually used conundrum in a sentence. I wouldn't normally use it, but I'm kind of diggin' it, you know? Perhaps I'll work it into an actual conversation with an unsuspecting bystander.]

No socks for me makes me very unhappy, because Big V screwed up the thermostat and now we can't figure out how to adjust the temperature. It's been a steady 67 degrees in our house for weeks. I even jacked it all the way up to 85 - and nothing. My point: 67 is too cold for my toes. It just is.

Thus the socks.

In order to buy the socks needed to warm my toes we're going to have to cut costs elsewhere and I'm voting for drastically cutting the amount of toilet paper we use. This might surprise you considering I'm a girl and you're probably all aren't you going to need that toilet paper on a pretty regular basis? Especially considering you haven't figured out the whole bidet thing yet?

But luckily (or not), when I was 8, my aunt and uncle were watching my siblings and I for the summer while my mom worked and my uncle called us all into the bathroom and imposed a 3-square maximum which I have adhered to for the majority of my life (mostly because he scared the snot out of me and every time I see toilet paper my PTSD kicks in). It's only been in the last couple years where I've allowed myself to up it to six squares. My girls are also minimum users (probably only due to the fact that's what they saw growing up and they know no better).

Bet you're wondering why I think cutting back on toilet paper is the answer when we hardly use any, right?

Well, that's because Big V all by himself requires half a roll at every sitting and he's a pretty regular guy, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure why so much is needed at one time, I mean, I've been accomplishing the same task for years and it's not like I've ever come out needing a fire hose spray down because I wasn't able to wrap my entire fist with a roll of toilet tissue. Besides, even if something icky did manage to find its way to his flesh couldn't he just wash it off? (I'm probably overthinking things. Don't worry; I won't even get into the whole why on earth does the roll need to come physically off the toilet paper roller when you are winding it around your hand? And if you can take the roll off the toilet paper roller, why is it wrong for me to assume you can figure out how to out it back *on* the toilet paper roller? And if you simply aren't created in such a way as to put the toilet paper back onto the roller, how come you have to leave it up by the sink where you splash water all over it when you're washing your hands? Because it never, ever dries by the time I need to use it and that just feels gross.)

So. I am thinking if he cuts down on the toilet paper I will be able to save a few dollars each week in butt wipe supplies and be able to purchase the socks I need to keep my feet warm.

Either that or he could just fix the damn thermostat.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

How can I control my life when I can't control my (son's) hair?

I quickly ran to town and left the baby in the very capable hands of the Bean.

When I left, he looked like this:


When I came back, he looked like this:


Who says your hairstyle doesn't affect your demeanor?
I half expected him to flip me the bird.


"How can I control my life when I can't control my hair?"
~ Unknown