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Showing posts from February 27, 2011

Thanks to Wikipedia I'm going through opioid withdrawal.

This morning I spent twenty minutes at my local Walgreens attempting to procure the necessary tiger blood and Adonis DNA medication I would need to kick this nasty virus out of my system. Medication aisles can be very intimidating because it's hard to concentrate on 8,467 of something when you can barely hold your eyes open and also when you can't stand without swaying. Luckily I came prepared with my symptoms written on a piece of paper:

You have to come prepared because the medication assholes gods have created a plethora of symptom combinations to pick from and if you're not on your A Game then fuhgitaboutit. You're missing a symptom and still feeling like crap. Who's winning now? Not you.
And so I found the perfect item(s):
See how it says "long acting" and also "relieves cough: up to 8 hours" and "runny nose?" It's like the medication gods knew that was EXCATLY what I needed. And also kudos to the Mountain Dew marketing team for…

Drop off circles may just be the bane of my existence.

I don't get it. We can successfully send a man to the moon but no one on this planet can figure out how to design a functional pick-up/drop-off lane at school.

The rules for our school's "circle" are simple: Move Quickly, People.

This means that no, you may not put your car in park, hop out and walk your child to the door of his classroom located at the other side of the building.

It's bad enough cars are passing when they shouldn't be and kids are almost getting creamed on a regular basis as they try to exit the cars, but really, it doesn't help when you park. And then leave your own car.

It's a drop off circle.

That means you drop the kid off and then you drive away. Quickly.

The drop off circle is meant for those mom's who just want to get away and enjoy the silence that sweeps through the car the second that kid gets out. Mom's like me.

I get that you're a much better mom than all those other pathetic mothers (im)patiently waitin…

I'd wrap my feet in toilet paper but that just looks dumb.

Let me get right to the point: there is no way I'm going to be able to afford socks if I can't figure out a way to save money on toilet paper.

I pulled into the gas station this morning to fill my tank. Gas today was $3.36 a gallon. $3.36 a gallon! Which makes me feel curmudgeonly complaining about it but you should know when I started driving it was something like 16 cents a gallon. Sixteen cents!

Believe it or not, I don't like feeling curmudgeonly even though most people assume I do because of the perpetual crease in my forehead but it's not me glaring at you, I swear - I just can't hear or see very well and I have to focus really hard on what's going on, resulting in the aforementioned Glare Creases. And plus my mind is always wandering so I have to really, really focus on what people are saying which causes the Glare Creases to deepen and make me look really pissed off. But I'm not, I swear. Well, sometimes I actually am really pissed off but the goo…

How can I control my life when I can't control my (son's) hair?

I quickly ran to town and left the baby in the very capable hands of the Bean.

When I left, he looked like this:

When I came back, he looked like this:

Who says your hairstyle doesn't affect your demeanor?
I half expected him to flip me the bird.

"How can I control my life when I can't control my hair?" ~ Unknown